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Sasquatch, Buffett, Hoffa, A Run For The Border And The Newbie Dominant So you have explored, poked around the kinky world on the internet, maybe you read/watched Fifty Shades or found a BDSM magazine in an adult bookstore when you were out searching for Jimmy Buffett’s lost shaker of salt, Jimmy Hoffa, Sasquatch, and the nearest Taco Bell but no matter how you have discovered all of this, you have determined that you are Dominant. That’s great, welcome to the wonderful world of kink! Now that you are here, I have a challenge for you: How do you know you are Dominant? How are you going to learn, and do you know how it feels to do those things you want to do to/with your partner? Learning about this lifestyle is educational (And if you are new, you do need to learn!) and what I have found is even more important than the learning is the voyage of self-discovery that this lifestyle will bring. Now I am just going to share my thoughts on learning experiences. This is not meant to be the right way for anyone but me, however, and hopefully, it can provide some thoughts and ideas for others. My first bit of advice is read. There are many good choices out there to look at however I am going to share three books: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller, William A. Granzig, and Molly Dean Overview (Taken from bn.com): A bestseller, and for good reason! This book will tell you all about sadomasochism. We made it light-hearted and fun to read because SM is fun to do. That’s why we do it. But fun is only SM’s overture; for those who grasp its message, SM is sexual magic. The right blend of trust, fantasy, and sensuality creates an intensely erotic and deeply intimate stew. We take away our lovers’ freedom and lead them to profound liberty. We peer into the dark together, transforming it to light. In these pages, you will find clear explanations for the curious, and solid advice, safety measures and steamy suggestions for the adventurous. Also included are: over 225 photographs and illustrations, designs for making your own SM equipment, over 9000 entries of SM clothing and equipment vendors, publications, and organizations, bondage, flogging and bullwhip tutorials, an extensive, 15 page glossary, Foreword by Dr. William Granzig, President of The American Board of Sexology. Allow us to guide you through the captivating realms of sensuality, dreamed of by millions, realized by few, and understood by fewer still Next: The Loving Dominant New and Improved by John Warren and Libby Warren Overview (Taken from bn.com): John Warren, known as “Mentor” to the tens of thousands who have read his books or hearkened to his advice at his workshops and gatherings, has brought his decades of BDSM experience to this comprehensive manual. From its advice on “Stalking the Wild Submissive” to its extensive Resource Guide, The Loving Dominant offers the greatest breadth of the subject of any basic BDSM guide available today… including some basic toymaking patterns and a whole chapter on BDSM photography! This fully updated third edition includes essential new information on Internet partner-seeking, on the latest in high-tech kink toys, and much more! Lastly: SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman Overview (Take from bn.com): It goes by many names: bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadomasochism, and more. Now, the long-taboo subject of consensual SM is coming “out of the closet” - much to the delight of the millions of adults who enjoy engaging in bondage, spanking, erotic role-playing, and similar practices. Since the early ‘90s, this underground classic has taught the fundamentals of safe, exciting SM to tens of thousands of people of all genders and orientations. Now, for the first time, this comprehensive and widely recommended resource is available in a quality collector’s edition. This expanded Second Edition includes many revisions and updates, including a brand-new chapter on starting and running SM organizations and events. In addition to reading, get out into the community and find people you can talk with. Yes, I am actually saying get out and have real-life conversations with other kinky people. Maybe find a ‘munch’ (which is just a group of kinky people getting together). Munches are held in public places, people come dressed as they would regularly and there are not any pressures. Some will have discussions that the host or hostess has planned or they can just be a place to meet and chat with other kinky folks. Now, not every munch is going to be the right fit for you or have people that you feel comfortable with. Don’t expect to go to one and find a ‘fit’. Plan on taking in different ones to find what works for you. Also, if you are younger, there are groups that cater to those thirty and under. Through your explorations, I recommend finding mentors. I was lucky enough to establish a friendship with a husband and wife. They were so kind to mentor, teach, answer questions, and most importantly for me allow me to feel comfortable and safe with my kink desires. Now I met them in the days when there was not an internet to use as a tool. They actually had a large library of books on BDSM from novels, erotic picture books, to most importantly, books that were educational. This was a wonderful experience for me and after a bit, the discussions lead to demonstrations as well as instructional play (It is important to learn how to do things properly, as the physical play side of kink can truly hurt someone if it is done incorrectly). Additionally, when it comes to mentors, it is absolutely imperative that you think critically about not only who you choose to offer advice, but the advice you decide to take. Through your explorations, you may find someone who has experience and their views are analogous to yours. Very much like that cool professor you had in college. Everyone liked him, his class was fun and he did not seem to have any views that differed from your opinion. That’s great but you also need to challenge yourself. You have to find people who will play devil’s advocate or have ideas that are not parallel to yours. Listening, learning, and not being dismissive of conflicting viewpoints will help you better understand how others in the lifestyle think and will allow you to examine your own thoughts. This is not an exercise to get you to change your mind or beliefs but to open your mind to new and different systems within the lifestyle. Even if you find it doesn’t work for you, it will allow for dialogue and growth. Another aspect of critical thinking when it comes to the advice you seek and take is to be wary of the faux Dominant or as I call them dumbinants. These people (mostly men) are predators who use BDSM to use and abuse. While the dumbinant population is much, much higher online than in the ‘in person’ community, they still exist there. It is one one of the reasons to seek out multiple voices and voices that have differing opinions. It is one way that will help you chart your path forward free of predators. Why would a dishonest dumbinant want to befriend a newbie who is interested in the D side of life? The answer is simple, by offering a “hand” to you, when they have their next victim on the line, you become part of their alibi. They will expect payment for their kindness, just like a mobster wants payment for a favor and this is extracted when the dumbinant prey asks for others as ‘references’. Since the seemingly generous dumbinant has helped you, you agree to tell Natalie Newbie that Daddy Starsky or Master Hutch have been helpful and kind. It’s this kindness that helps them continue to injure others. So while you will never know Natalie Newbie in person, they are linked to you. In the BDSM community, you can and will be judged you by the company that you keep. So if you are friendly with the dumbinant convicted of domestic abuse (and it’s not your fault they didn’t tell you), people will whisper behind your back and even ostracize you because of this. Within the kink world, you are who your friends are, so there are zero excuses for not thinking critically about who your friends, mentors, and associates are (For more on recognizing these predators, click here). Now when it comes to your experience and growth my opinion will be called “Old School” by some, “You’re My Boy Blue!” (Frank ‘The Tank’, Old School 2003). The reason for this characterization and flashback to this Ferrell and Vaughn movie is because, I believe that when exploring BDSM play (things like spanking, flogging, ropes, bondage and even having guidelines/expectations) learn what it is like to have those things you want to do or explore done to you. Yes, I am suggesting that you learn from the bottom up. Just like the stories you hear of the CEO starting in the mailroom working their way up. The lifestyle should be similar. My mentors realized in our early discussions that my desires did not ‘fit’ as a bottom, but they expected me to learn from the bottom. What I learned was that the bottom was not for me nor did I take any pleasure from that role. However, it was an amazing experience to see for myself how things are from a submissive’s point of view and walk a mile in their shoes (No it wasn’t a pair of Jimmy Choo’s, just my Topsiders). It is important that you learn what it is like to walk in someone’s shoes especially if you plan to lead them. When you decide to find your kinky partner in crime, make sure you have taken your time. There is no rush to find and have a submissive. There is so much to learn about yourself first! This lifestyle is so much more than memorizing the alphabet soup of terms and acronyms. BDSM is a journey that will allow you to explore the inner reaches of your soul but this exploration takes time. Unlike the modern world, where a satellite can photograph and map far away places in minutes, the journey within still must proceed like explorers of yesteryear and slowly sail to and then explore by foot all of this new uncharted territory. When you do decide that you are ready to have a partner in crime and life, remember that although you are kinky, this is still dating. Your must-haves now include kinky things but you will still need to click with your partner on those vanilla must-haves too. You can not make a relationship work because two people’s list of kink desires match up. Love is still that amazing and fickle spirit that can be like a perfectly stacked campfire on a rainy night that no matter how perfectly things are aligned, even the best spark in the world will not start a flame or it can set two unexpecting and imperfect souls ablaze with the fire with its amazing goodness. Remember even within D/s a relationship, it is still a partnership with the people involved in the relationship. A BDSM relationship will have more layers and run deeper than the vanilla ones you are used to but it doesn’t change the partnership. The dynamics will be different but that core partnership remains. One other note about being ready for a relationship with kink involved, it will take time before you are ready. A weekend of binge reading and online conversations will not make you ready. It may take you years possibly to be ready for this. Do Not Rush Your Journey! Communication is a huge part of any kink relationship whether it is your first or your last. It is so important to be able to talk about everything and at all times. When we think of kinky playtimes, we all have visions of play that is erotic, exploring, and exciting however it is important that communication exist here too, especially if you are new to kink or entering that sphere with a new partner. While it might not be too exciting to break the mood and ask ‘how does that feel’ or ‘how are you doing’ but until you truly get to know someone, better understand exactly what you are doing, and understanding yourself, communicate with your partner during play. While these conversations will not feel sexy, romantic or erotic however knowing exactly how both of you are feeling is so vital while you learn yourself and each other. Remember that old saying, there is never a dumb question except for the one you didn’t ask? Well, that applies in kink too. That is why I recommend that you develop relationships with people you can go to and ask them anything. Yes even though those things you worry might seem ‘dumb’. Don’t let your pride keep you from asking a question that leads to a dumb mistake. It is so much better to ask and learn rather than screw up, especially if that mistake could have been prevented with a question. Most Dominants are very proud individuals but never put your pride above asking questions. The last bit of advice I have is to be patient. New things are always so exciting and it is only natural to want more of something especially if it is a good thing. As you learn and grow it is important to check your over-eagerness. The more you experience, the more your eyes will be opened and a wonderful journey of discovery will be on and if you are lucky you will find that person that you feel is the right submissive partner for both of you. Just remember, earn their submission. Do not ask for it, do not try to take it, nor just assume it is yours to have. Be patient, earn it and when you receive it respect, cherish, and dedicate yourself being your partner’s leader and best friend. ©LHS2018 "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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"Lastly," followed by eleven paragraphs is a good way to lose your audience. Brevity, my dear, is the soul of wit.
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uncommondom, You nailed it perfectly. There is a big difference between control and domination. I have never seen it set out so succinctly. It is the difference between "leader" and "manager." I'll follow a good leader any day. Managers are people I try to work around and thwart if possible. And there's a whole dissertation, drawing on leadership philosophy, that I could blort out, but I won't this morning. aliljaded did it much better anyway.
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12/5/2018 4:57 am |
How, then, does this arise, in a culture where men being dominant and controlling is frowned upon and seen as misogynistic? Are claims that men need to be dominant mythical, or is the myth in the desire for equality? How is it possible to be dominant when the laws are stacked against a man and the woman can leave him whenever she wants? What if the truth was that women don't want to be controlled, but they want to be dominated? There is a subtlety here that is missed on many men, especially those who are trying to recover from being overly submissive pushovers. Men who have never intrinsically known how to be dominant tend to try and control things in a way that comes off as insecure, instead of self-assured. They have a tendency to desperately try and contain things, or police women's behavior, and that doesn't come off as attractive. In fact, it comes off as petty, try-hard, and what women would call creepy. At the end of the day the difference between being and becoming is a strength, not cured, or created by knowledge . . but by will. A dominant person is an asshole . . A dominant will is powerful.
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This is one of the best pieces I've read for new Doms in quite some time. Very informative. Very Relevant. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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