Voices in her head, the bad kind
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Posted:Aug 8, 2019 8:56 pm
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2019 8:48 pm 938 Views
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I hear VOICES in my head They council They understand They talk to
You got your rules and your religion All designed to keep you safe But when rules start getting broken You start questioning your faith
I have a voice that is my savior Hates to love and loves to hate I have a voice that has the knowledge And the power to rule your fate
I hear voices crying I see heroes dying I taste blood that's drying I feel tension rising
- WWE Superstar Randy Orton's theme song.
Have you ever wondered about hearing voices? Not the little voice inside your head that says 'If I spend that on that today I cannot have this tomorrow' or 'the blue one or the black one', or more dangerously, 'If I break this rule, is sure to take the hairbrush to my bare bottom..." but the voices that are uncontrolled, that you not only cannot shut up but they are telling you what to do?
For the last 3 years, my nesting partner, my former submissive, and a lady I truly love even though she's 99 percent of the time my adult who lives in a scary, dangerous world is hearing those evil voices.
So they went away for about a year. No real reason they left. Medication hasn't changed much other than to add something for tardive dyskensia which is a side effect of the Haldol which is her main anti-psychotic. She's still going to adult care, has twice a week therapy.
So what did change?
1) Her therapist of 2 1/2 years took a new job elsewhere. Its not her fault, and her new therapists (plural, due to schedule, she she's one for nuerofeedback, and one for talk therapy).
2) I went to GenCon for 3 days. She had plenty of people watching her. I go on dates, I even been overnight recently
3) Her grandparents are on the back 9 of life, and constantly adding stress to the last two months. While it sucks she has to see it, actually having to do all the legal work to ensure they safe, and trying to do stuff that they should have taken care of years ago (see another blog post on that)
Is any or all of those a reason for the voices to tell her to slam her arm in the slider? To jump of a moving car? To cut herself to bloody ribbons?
So far, she's resisting. We've been to crisis. All her doctors are monitoring her as well as adult foster care and her health insurance nurse.
Luckily since she was my submissive, she's used to obeying implicitly, so she tells automatically when things are getting of hand or asks to hide things, or just hold her.
Still, this is scary as fuck. She's my hero for telling them no for sure. I wish I could do more, but its far above my . All I can do is be the best support system, and when not there, we have someone watch her, which is why in the long run we looking for a live in submissive so someone is always around.
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Write your Health Care Proxy today!
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Posted:Jul 31, 2019 9:22 pm
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2019 10:05 am 1194 Views
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Folks,
Lets it, thinking about what could happen when you walk out the door sucks with the craziness of the world outside.
Or you could fall, have a heart attack, stroke, or just getting older...it happens.
But if no knows your wishes, or worse, you pick someone is no longer around, you got divorced and didn't update your paperwork, or whatever, the situation can go from bad worse quickly.
My quick story is I already take care of my disabled girlfriend.
Now I am taking care of her grandparents. 85 and 87. Grandma has some medical issues but mostly sharp, and Grandpa cannot be left alone, lots of dementia but his body is good. She had a bad day after a short hospitalization and they invoked her HCP and its her husband ( isn't there) and then the attorney wrote the document.
They been there MONTHS and he hasn't seen them, signed them into the rehab facility, or even asked them what they want. So right now they owe TWENTY THOUSAND. But they cannot get paid as the attorney doesn't return their calls, my calls or grandma's calls.
I'm on her bank accounts, so I am paying their day to day bills but not the medical bills because of the issue.
I bought my attorney there today to talk to them to see about getting the HCP changed, and the administrator tossed my attorney from the building. WHAT THE FUCK? I am trying to help them, and trying to get them paid and the grandparents home where we can get VA home care for them and they want to be at home and die at home.
But because when they did the HCP, they didn't know me or how good I am to their granddaughter and great grandson, they never updated it.
Now we all paying the price.
WHile your at it, update your will and your power of attorney. You don't want to die and left all your assets to your ex-wife and your new submissive gets kicked to the curb, now do you????
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Why do insurance companies suck so bad?
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Posted:Apr 1, 2019 8:51 pm
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2019 6:36 am 1497 Views
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So I been fighting with Commonwealth Care Alliance of Massachusetts for 8 months since the girl I care for was approved for Medicare due to her schizophrenia and other mental issues.
She qualified for Adult Foster Care as well as Adult Day Care, and had no problems with either until then, and then CCA wouldn't approve her AFC program as it was out of network. But, they kept approving Letters of Authorization for a month at a time till now and then last month we had to find a new agency.
So we had to have yet another qualification appointment, and another nurse come out to evaluate her and of course they approved her. So then I had a laundry list of agencies to pick, just names and websites and they basically do the same thing, so OK then.
Finally, the director of the current agencies copies everyone including MassHealth and asks why she cannot get into their network since everyone else is and its a burden to switch agencies as well as the mental stress on ME.
Later that day they approved her and said they'd send her the contracting paperwork NLT today.
Why is everything a fight? For no reason? And just causes an insecurity which isn't needed?
Believe me, I am grateful and thankful for MassHealth and the CCA partnership means that we have to deal with one company for all her health care needs and not MassHealth and Medicare separately which is an amazing thing of Medicare and Medicaid working together for cost savings, and cutting down the number of touches to the system, but seriously, we were not getting approved for anything new, or unneeded, and even if we went to a new vendor, nothing would change, so why cause angst when none is needed?
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Love & Horror Story or How I became poly...
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Posted:Jun 13, 2018 9:22 pm
Last Updated:Apr 6, 2019 7:33 pm 2465 Views
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This is a bit of a love story, and a bit of a horror film, and somewhere in between is a lot of drama, and in the end, the story of something. Redemption? Love? Acceptance? Blessings? All of the above?
Actually, I don't know how it ends, because it hasn't ended yet. We're working on finding an ending.
So I been with Michelle about 5 1/2 years. We met on a craigslist ad. I was looking for a naked housekeeper who would be spanked for sloppiness. It wasn't my best work, but I was in a bad period of my life with my lack of sobriety (3 years, 3 months+, yay me!) and somehow we met. As she said, ten different things had to happen for us to meet. Amusingly she'd been in my office many times but for another guy (she wasn't with him just her girlfriend was). Anyways, we met, we clicked, it worked, she moved in, it was blissful.
MIchelle was always epileptic and had some physical pain issues from all the falls from seizures, but that wasn't a big problem. She had to have surgery on her wrist and ankle, but no big deal. She even had a nuerostimulator implanted in her spine for pain in her ankles (lucky for me it didn't shut off the pain in her bottom when she got the brush but good, that would be cheating.) Then she had to have it replaced. So on June 6th had a minor surgery, and she was in a lot of pain so got a muscle relaxer...
June 13, 2016, a day that will live in infamy.
She had two seizures that day. I'd never seen one, she hadn't had any with me.
Then she got a lung infection from seizing so hard.
Then her short term memory failed in August 2016. She couldn't remember breakfast by lunch time. She couldn't name the last 10 presidents, but she could the first 10. She couldn't do simple math.
She was hospitalized for hallucinations in September 2016.
She started creating fantasy people, that she could remember around November.
The voices started after.
Over the next 10 months from June 13, 2016, doctors, doctors and more doctors, emergency rooms, etc. Finally they started some anti-psychotic meds in Feb 2017. Things got better for a bit and the short term memories flooded back. She still has memory issues, but not a complete and total shutdown.
Doctors kept playing with meds as a crippling anxiety disorder and then a even more crippling crowd anxiety disorder came about. Those continue to this day.
Then in June 2017, the voices started telling her to hurt herself and then kill herself. She was hospitalized the majority of the summer of 2017. Finally a drug called Haldol seemed to work and got rid of the voices, and when they tried changing that, more seizures.
The fall of 2017 passed fairly quietly but in that time, we had a long talk about how to keep going forward as a couple, considering bsdm was out of the question, and she really has no interest in sex anymore. She will do what I want to please me, but she isn't getting anything out of it. So she asked me to find a partner, a playmate, even a live-in submissive so that my needs are met as well as hers. She's amazing even when things are down for her, it had to be so hard to decide that.
Christmas eve 2017 she had two seizures, and then it got quiet again. Little things, little med changes, started an adult day care program for her to get out of the house and for me to meet people. I bought some commercial property. We put a 2nd floor on the house and remodeled the first floor and basement, partly to accommodate a live-in submissive at some point.
February 6th I found my brother's body. Heroin is a death sentence. Former US Marine. Sad. With that I retreated into my shell. Life was toxic. Too much had gone on and I needed a break. I had a few play experiences, a few dates, but I had a lot of negativity, and was hard for me. But I persevere.
The only thing I can control is me. My attitude, So I decided to be more positive. Finally go to a munch or two or three. Make real plans to go to the Society space. Start thinking about a vacation for me. And I'm going too...
June 13, 2018. Michelle had two seizures yesterday. Two years to the day this decent into hell for her began. She's in the hospital at the moment.
And i'm still going to love her, but rather than crawl back into exile, I'm keeping moving forward with my plans. If I don't take care of myself, how can I take care of her.
Love story? Horror? It's definitely not a hero story, because I'm not a hero. Just a guy doing the right thing. Sadly, its not that common anymore.
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Water Water Everywhere...
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Posted:May 9, 2018 8:14 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 4:5 am 2533 Views
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Sometimes I really wonder what I have d wrong....
Because while life has g my way a bunch of times, it seems like just when I can see clearly, I take a right cross right between the eyes.
So in July 2017, I started a major project to add a 2nd floor to my house. We needed more room, but with my girl's mental illness, moving wasn't an option. So building up, and refinished the 1st floor and the basement.
While doing the basement, of the sumps overflowed due to the electrician, and he paid for the cleanup and it wasn't bad. We also had to relocate of the sump holes and installed new pumps to bring everything up to code and new.
About February we finished, and while is a bunch of small stuff, we're still moving in really and making it livable. Still a lot to unpack and clean. Its never ending, but Michelle cannot much, so its on me mostly.
So Monday, we came home from her psychiatrist to find the basement flooded. About 1 1/2 inches of water in some places. So we contact ServPro of AGawam who before they even check the insurance or if the carpets could be dried, started cutting away at the carpet, and knocking holes in the wall.
The culprit is a pump that is barely months old failed.
Turns out, the insurance only covers up to 5000. We got at least 5-7000 in damage let al the cleanup cost. So we likely going to sue the manufacturer. We likely going to have a major issue with ServPro over their zeal to run up the bill without checking the insurance or whether things could be dried before major structural work was d.
New carpet, all new baseboard, fix about 100 sq feet of drywall, tape, sand, paint the whole thing. This sucks.
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Life is truly amazing (if you let it be)
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Posted:Mar 19, 2018 7:41 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2018 9:24 pm 3288 Views
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You know, life is one of the worst things that can happen to us.
But, if you let it, it can be truly amazing.
I've had one seriously awesome journey, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Its had its challenges thru the years and its not getting any easier, but everything I have done, I have no regrets. Its all made me the person I am today.
When my brother died a few weeks ago, I got something like 400 comments on my FB post. 400? Amazing. 300 birthday greetings a few weeks later. I am truly humbled that people took the time to write something, not click, not a one word comment, but something meaningful. Thank you,
My girl Michelle who is letting me explore due to her medical issues. I love her so much and as long as she remembers she loves me I will not leave her. We can add more people to our live, love more, spank more, but she is a blessing, not a curse.
So much craziness, with insurance adjusters, and a bout with pink eye, but I still wake up being blessed, and being thankful for what I have.
Have a glorious day.
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Looking back and forward...
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Posted:Mar 8, 2018 8:35 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2018 9:10 pm 3572 Views
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Life is endlessly amusing, as is its end.
On February 6th, my only brother Eric passed away at the young age of 48. He loved, he lived life, and he conceived a beautiful . Could you him a father or a partner to his now ex-wife? Not a chance. Eric's first priority was Eric, and then Eric's various addictions which increased over time and caught up to him in the end. While toxicology is not back yet, there is a better than average chance that is was an overdose, or a heart attack related to constantly going into detox.
Whatever the cause, he is dead, and left behind a few shattered lives. A few people will miss him, and unfortunately, several will be happy he's g. Even in death, some people will not forgive his sins, while many, they need to move on.
So this is not about him, but about me. Moving forward, moving on. If you read my profile, you can tell I'm in love with Michelle. Unfortunately, her mental illness prevents us from enjoying the things we did. The first months we were together, she was soundly strapped and fucked every morning. She even ed the strap the "I love you' strap. However, spanking or otherwise doing things to a girl who has been suicidal in the recent past, and on a great deal of anti-psych meds is likely a really bad idea.
We do what we can together, which isn't much, but we make it work somehow.
However, how I am wired is I crave the ddlg lifestyle, the 24x7 consensual non-consent life. Panties down, bottoms smacked because you did something wrong, or just because. Its also a life of endless kisses, holding hands, opening doors, and being the best partner I can be.
Michelle has a 15 year old who is proud to me 'dad.' He's in the loop on us looking for some else because he knows I'm not leaving his mom, I'm making sure that I am not leaving her because I'm taking care of me too. And he's good with that.
I never planned to be poly because I thought I had found the , but I know I'm making the right choice for all of us to make sure that I take care of every I love, the s I have now, and the I am looking for. I'm making better choices so I don't leave behind a shambles of a broken world that includes me.
I love her more for allowing us to explore and bring another into our world.
Moving forward, taking control of my destiny, and bringing the what passes as normal to me is all that matters.
So hi...
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