The Block Option
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Posted:Jan 9, 2019 1:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2019 1:41 pm 778 Views
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No,not the cock..it says BLOCK. Which brings Me to why I write about blocking. Social media sites have this option to stop unwanted messages and sadly on a daily basis I do in fact have to block people.
Things that get you blocked are things that are violating My online consent. Yes there is such a thing.
My profile spells out what I looking for and what I not looking for. Asking questions or saying things that are clearly mentioned in My profile as a NOT looking for is violating My consent and its an instant block.
Writing messages after I say no thanks,to My pussy licked with a reply maybe I might end up liking it...yah that is totally violating My consent online.
If saying it in person is violating consent its violating My online consent.. If saying i might like it in person triggers a PTSD episode you can believe reading it and now havin to write about it can make a wicked impact in a bad bad way.
If you cant restrain yourself online I will most definitely block you...I guess it is a cock block in a way.
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"Your own safety is at stake when your neighbor's wall is ablaze.
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Posted:Dec 31, 2018 10:30 am
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2019 10:36 am 1095 Views
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"Your own safety is at stake when your neighbor's wall is ablaze." -- Horace
In this lifestyle, it is my thought that we not only have a need to look out for our own safety, but also help in guarding the safety of others.
By this, I do not mean that we that we are necessarily responsible for the safety of others than the ones we are with, but more that we have a responsibility to our BDSM community to present education on the matter of safety.
We cannot force anyone to learn safety or to be safe. It is a personal choice each time we meet, play, or simply gather in life, or in BDSM. However, with the coming of online, it makes being a predator so much easier. It takes little to talk the talk of any lifestyle. It takes a great deal more to walk it and live it.
It is easy to allow our bodies and our hearts to over rule common sense when the need to submit or to Dominate is so strongly pressing us forward.
Submissives have asked over and over in the past--"But won't my Dominant be offended if I ask for references?" ,"Isn't it a sign that I don't trust my Dominant if I ask to see a negative HIV test?" Their comments have run the gamut--"I trust my Dominant totally, I do not need a safe person.", "My Dominant says if I need safe calls, then I do not trust him/her."
I beg to differ!!! In my opinion, a Dominant's first responsibility is the safety and well being of his submissive. This includes physical, emotional and mental well being. His concern for the her well being should lead him to enforce a strict safety policy. He should be free with the information she seeks. And might I add....if the trust has built to the point of a private meeting, the Dominant should be willing to give her his personal information as well.
Safety is a two way street. People are not safe simply because they are male. I encourage both Dom/Dommes and submissives to require information and blood work of their partners, as well as protection for at least the first 6 months.
**My own practice on safety: when I have someone here My guy is usually at work,he will text Me first and if I dont answer ( within a reasonable time,as I could be in the middle of something I just cant stop doing) he calls Me if I dont answer he knows there is something wrong. I tell My submisses/slaves that he will be doing that and I have to answer it,if they dont understand that,RED FLAG. I also aware of body fluids that cant help but leak,its a uncontrollable reaction,so knowing about STD's is important,I wear gloves sometimes anyway,it adds to the scene usually**
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Red Flags
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Posted:Dec 30, 2018 11:57 am
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2018 5:41 pm 1032 Views
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Red Flags
A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle. Some common examples might be:
1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as "Do you want to play?" or "What are you wearing?" or "What do you look like?" or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex. RED FLAG!
2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact. RED FLAG!
3. Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission. RED FLAG!
4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.
5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong.
6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.
7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.
Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no , then on Fri., mentions his/her 's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things.
Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful.
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Golden Shower
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Posted:Dec 28, 2018 4:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 1:23 am 1077 Views
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Safer BDSM - Golden Shower
Golden Showers (GS) (also known as Watersports (WS)) is a quite often mentioned and many questions are asked about it, esp. concerning health issues.
First of all, what is it about? GS is a slang term for the practice of erotic peeing in order to enhance sexual intimacy. It is sometimes involved in D/s as an act of humiliation also.
Why do people do it? There are mainly two aspects - some consider it a "dirty" act and esp. that makes it so exciting. The second aspect is that you share something very intimate with someone you are very close, something you wouldn't do with a stranger.
Urine is dirty, isn't it? Urine has a peculiar smell that we seem to instinctively shrink from. Our bodies balance our dissolved minerals by eliminating excesses. We also to rid ourselves of a compound called urea. We instinctively know from the odor that, no matter how thirsty we are, drinking urine will render our elimination strategy useless. But that doesn't make our urine dirty - in fact - urine is nearly sterile when it leaves our body and one of our medically cleanest body fluids. But "nearly sterile" doesn't mean it is completely innocuous - the urine can pick up bacteria from a urinary infection along the urethra (urogenital tract) (an infection you sometimes even don't notice). This might be a health aspect to be considered when you intend to drink another persons urine. Whether Hepatitis Virus can be transferred or not is still unclear. Urine of women, who use the birth control pill, contains female hormones, which can lead to a partial feminization when being consumed by a man (a strange case has been documented, Source: Datenschlag.org - Papiertiger).
Urine is a compound of 99% water, some minerals (mostly salt, some magnesium, calcium, potassium and phosphate), uric acid, little ammonia and some vitamin C and B complex. Nothing harmful or toxic.
Yikes, but it still smells! To prevent any "offensive" smell you or your partner shouldn't drink any alcoholic beverages, coffee or tea a few hours before you want to do it. Also food with lots of protein causes a lot of byproducts which can cause the odor. Best is to drink a lot of simple table water a few hours before you want to . A small amount of alcohol can be useful for dissolving inhibitions over what you plan to do. But large amounts of alcohol detract from the sexual pleasure and ability.
The use of your own morning urine is considered a great method of healing wounds and often recommended by healers/MDs lately
Some people even drink their own morning urine as healing portion every morning.
All in all one can say it is much safer than for example anal sex which has more risks of infections and injuries.
A warning anyway, urine is a rather bad environment for HIV viruses (Human Immunodeficiency Virus), but an HIV/AIDS test should always be done if you consider things like GS with your (new) partner. An HIV test can be done rather anonymously (without visiting your local doctor) when making a blood donor. They check your blood for HIV viruses and other STDs and infections and you'll get a document.
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Common myths about D/s:
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Posted:Dec 28, 2018 3:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 1:23 am 816 Views
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Common myths about D/s:
Dominants are naturally cruel people. submissives are naturally weak-willed "doormats." submissives are attempting to re-live childhood abuse. Women who are into D/s are nymphomaniacs, or indiscriminate sex partners. D/s is usually a case of "role-reversal" with people who have much power and responsibility in real life often preferring a submissive role.
There is little or no factual evidence to support any of these concepts; submissives and Dominants come from a broad spectrum of society and most people into BDSM are very selective about who they play with. Considering the risks, this is not surprising. The idea that submissive women are sexually indiscriminate likely stems from pornographic fiction and the appeal of an insatiable partner who will do anything one commands. In real life this is rarely the case.
There is no evidence that people into D/s or BDSM have any greater history of childhood abuse than the general populace, but as people who were abused as are more likely to seek professional help, these are the ones that professionals see and write about.
The "role-reversal" myth likely stems from studies done in the 1950's which found that most of the in houses of domination were wealthy, powerful men. This is probably more due to the high fees charged in such houses (often $200-$5,000 a session) than a dearth of impoverished submissives. There are many poor submissives and wealthy Dominants.
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Common Sense In D/s
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Posted:Dec 28, 2018 11:40 am
Last Updated:Dec 28, 2018 11:44 am 1298 Views
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Common Sense In Dom - sub
The bottom line to success in D/s type of relationship is the same as any – common sense. Common sense means you think and apply logic to all you hear. It means you think, and question again and again. You trust your gut feelings. All of that is what common sense is.
A submissive has to remember she is a person with rights and a mind and must use it. A Dom has to remember the same thing about himself as well as the submissive. A woman’/man’s submission and respect is not owed to just any man/woman claiming to be a Dom/Domme.
If you have never taken complete control of another person and experienced TPE, you are not a Dominant. But, you have dominant desires and urges, it is your nature or life experience has made you this way. Since you were not born with the knowledge, techniques, skill and imagination required to take control from a submissive. As a submissive, you have not had the experience and growth required in total surrender of all control and power with a Dom/Domme, you are not ready to take the role on without learning the basics first. Here are a few baby steps you must take without skipping to a first meet and session:
1. Ask yourself and expect to be asked by many experienced people delving questions such as: a. What do you expect to get from D/s or BDSM? b. What draws you to it? c. Why do you feel you can only fulfill your needs in a D/s relationship?
You cannot possibly know what you want from another until you know what you wish to experience within yourself.
2. The next is to learn as much as possible about the choices opening up to you with BDSM. You can ask a thousand people within the community and they will give you a different answer for each question.
3. You will learn one universal truth, each couple creates their own definition of D/s and the roles they hold within their particular relationship. Do not be afraid to search for a partner who shares your views, values and philosophy of D/s.
4. Never settle for less than what you know you want.
Private male domination
You will come across websites and Emails telling you how to tell if you are a Dom or a sub. No one can tell you what you are. There are no easy answers and you should run from anyone who professes to know what you are or that they have the only definition of DS. You must decide for yourself if you are drawn to physical sensation to the point of extreme edge or if you just want to Tarzan and Jane. You must learn for yourself the differences between a Sadist, masochist, Dominant, submissive, Master, slave, Top, Bottom and where your needs fit into these options. And yes, there is a very large difference between them all.
There are 2 kinds of people you must learn to weed through out of the legitimate men and women you will meet:
Predators and wannabes – these cancers of our society are in all the chat rooms. They have found the Internet to be a happy hunting ground for the gullible and lonely. D/s is not the only areas you find them, but they are here and have picked up on just enough of the lingo to try to pass for legitimate, experienced D/s people. They want to meet you ASAP and often commit assault, battery and extortion with the belief you will have trouble prosecuting a man/woman you agreed to meet in a hotel or gave all your info to.
If you are married you are vulnerable as well to extortion and the like.
A sadist in the purist form who has not grasped the idea of consensual may hide under this as well. These guys also hang out in clubs looking for an easy mark, it never changes. Many of these people (both male and female) are often pathological liars who live on the Internet spinning fantasies of their experience, their love for the woman who speaks to them and basically everything to keep you hanging.
The end result is they often disappear after leading the woman on for months or meet her and have sex (get blowjobs as part of your submission) and then things fall apart afterward. Some feel they are harmless since all they do is lead you on with cyber sex and online D/s. These same people role in rooms where they “cyber whip” and subs pour ale for their Masters. They often have profiles that sound like a passage from Dungeons and Dragons or Gor chronicles. Pretty much all they know of D/S is what they have read in books and played online. In R/T these people answer ads or run ads and often just are out to get sex from women they think are easy marks.
Domination of submissive by her Master
How do you avoid them? First thing is the warning signs:
1. Instant messages from strangers – no self respecting, experienced Dominant or submissive would PM you without ever having established some rapport in a chat room. Predators, Wannabes and bored Snerts are the ones who PM you in an attempt to talk. They find you three ways. One, they just hit the “who’s chatting” button for a room and then PM anyone they think is a female (many are too lame to read your profile). Two, they PM you from inside the chat room after they figure out who you are. Three, they do an advanced search for any and all women online with the key words “submissive,” “D/s,” “Surrender,” etc.
2. Me Sir! – No experienced Dom/Master will tell you to him Master or Sir, Lord without having met you and established a D/s relationship. To many in the D/s community this is equivalent to calling a man you met online, Husband. It is a position of respect and commitment not to be thrown around lightly. If you are talking to someone who is encouraging this title use and you have not met them in person and covered basics, you are with a Wannabe… period!
3. Online collaring and/or assignments – try to imagine an email sent out by a “Dom” who gives assignments to his “sub” each day with the comment that “one day, they will meet.” His contention is that if a woman does this or is attracted to doing these assignments, she is a submissive if not?
BDSM Dating
No one has any business giving you any orders or assignments without having established a foundation of trust and mutual knowledge of one another as people first. Real Doms don’t demand or even want your submission after meeting only once. Real Doms get to know you and know that total submission takes time. The faster you are pushed for obedience, etc., the more your “common sense alarms” should be going off.
Beware of the “Mentors and Trainers” that abound on the Internet. This is another term for “let me use you without commitment.” Do you a mentor or trainer to “date” to find a boyfriend or a husband or spouse? No – Life teaches you – and the same is true in D/s you will learn from many – to “commit” to one, even as a trainer, is a commitment you aren’t ready to make. No one could have “trained” my wife/sub to surrender to me as I wish. You will find that there are many goodhearted people online who will freely share their knowledge and experience without the for titles or blowjobs. Stay clear of those who put in their screen name and profile “trainer”… “mentor”… “protector”. Anyone who knows their true value and the contribution they are making to you does not a title. The real teachers out there are your peers, yourself, and the right person when the time comes.
If you are single, be cautious of all the married people who want a Dom/sub on the side. Use every means possible to be sure of the honesty of the person before you get caught up in their life. If you are married be honest about your position and be cautious of who you reach out to. You also to define whether you are polyamorous or monogamous. Take every step possible to know where the potential Dom/sub you are talking to is coming from on these values and others. It is not part of your submission to sell yourself short, settle or be used.
To Doms/Dommes, you must admit to your inexperience and welcome any input you may get from all you speak to. There are social groups and societies in many metropolitan areas that offer classes and seminars on techniques to assure a safe experience for both you and your sub. Do not be afraid of being with an experienced sub. Remember that there are real experienced Doms/Dommes and subs online who will catch on to any attempt to pass yourself off as well seasoned and out you to the new subs.
To subs, you must listen closely to all who caution you with safety issues above all else. close attention to the warning signs of predators and wannabes. There are no exceptions. No matter how nice and understanding a person seems, you got to listen to the warning signs.
Beware of “Doms” who focus their search on new subs, there is a reason for it and it lacks nobility and honor. Invite a potential Dom/Domme into a chatroom where you have been a few times and let the others feel him out. Never let a “Dom/Domme” you have never met and have no committed relationship with you tell you that you cannot take IM’s, you can’t go into certain rooms and you must put that you belong to him in your profile. This would be a wannabe.
Last of all, to both Dom/sub… read anything you can and watch in the rooms that do not role . Discussion rooms that take on topics and feel free to ask questions. Good luck and be safe. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who may benefit from it.
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Webster’s dictionary defines communication:
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Posted:Dec 28, 2018 11:17 am
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 1:23 am 672 Views
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Webster’s dictionary defines communication as “the act of transmitting; a giving or exchanging of information, signals or messages as by talk, gestures, or writing.” In a D/s relationship communication is vital. So what are the ways to communicate with others so that needs and feelings can be related, but the lifestyle and emotional well-being of both can be maintained? It is important to find, understand and practice the different ways to communicate, keeping in mind a relationship with anyone should be based on honesty, trust and communication. Communication cannot exist without honesty and trust, and honesty and trust cannot exist without communication. If none of these qualities exist in your relationship with someone, and especially in a blossoming relationship with a Dom/me, then there really can be no relationship.
First to be addressed is relationship building with anyone, not necessarily a dominant. Communication, for some, is a very difficult issue. Some have what seem to be built-in walls and defenses that protect them and their feelings from others. For these people, it takes time and the right people to open up to while maintaining a feeling of safety. This can be done slowly, over a period of months, sometimes even ; slowly testing the waters, giving a little information here, a little information there, and seeing what is done with it. Can this person be trusted with a minute issue to you that, even if used against you, does not cause too much pain? If so, this gives the person reason and little more trust to open up a little more. It is a slow process. Both parties involved to understand this and be patient. The person who is trying to communicate openly must be to risk part of themselves and to be open to the hurt that may ensue, protecting themselves the best they can along the way by taking it slow.
Honesty should never be an issue. Telling the truth is really the best policy. If something is too painful to talk about, say so. Let the other person know where you are coming from the best you can. Show that you are not unwilling to be open, but your valid fear is in being hurt. If they cannot understand this, then perhaps they are not the right person for you to open up to in the first place. It is in being honest that trust is gained on both parts, respect obtained, and then the relationship can continue to move forward. Both trust and respect lead to more open communication.
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"BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and "S&M".
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Posted:Dec 27, 2018 7:15 am
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 1:23 am 1280 Views
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"BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and "S&M". What is BDSM? Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and "S&M". In practice the term is often used in a a more general sense to cover the range of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as fetishes, body modification and alternative sexuality, and it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and Consensually (SSC).
Briefly, SSC means respecting your partner's body, mind and free will.
"SM" -Doesn't cover D&S
"bondage" -Doesn't cover S&M
"kinky" -Has negative connotations in some areas
"pervy" -Has negative connotations in most areas
"Wiitwd" -Not used off the Net. (means: What it is that we do)
"BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas, and is sufficiently specific to be useful while being inclusive enough not to leave large group within the Scene feeling rejected.
"B&D" stand for "Bondage and Discipline".
"Controller" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions
"controlee" - one who wants thier physical actions controlled
Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline)
"bondage" -any form of physical restraint or hindrance.
"discipline" -the use of rules and punishment to control overt behavior.
Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimizing the balance between risk and reward for everybody involved..
Pay attention to what you are doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE!
What is D&S?
"D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission"
It can also be written "Ds". "D/s", "D&s" or "D/S"
"Dominant" -one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom")
"submissive" -one who want to submit to someone (also called sub)
Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions by the manipulation of thier mind and body. This may or may not be then used to discipline their physical actions; it can be sufficient to own their soul, but tangible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable.
The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that the Disciplinarian cares that the bottom (or sub) does obey, while not mingling whether they wanted to or not. The Dominate cares that the bottom (or sub) wants to obey, and only minds whether they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to, of course someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things.
What is S&M?
"S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "Sadomasochism".
"sadist" -one who wants to inflict physical pain
"masochist" -one who wants to receive physical pain
"physical mods" -a deliberate and ornamental change in the body's structure that does not risk impairing needed functionality (eg. and ear piercing)
"physical hurt" -a painful insult to the body, causing only repairable physical damage. Any impairment must be limited to less than a finite planned maximum in magnitude and duration.
"physical harm" -physical damage that risks unacceptable or indeterminate impairment of needed functionality.
In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without causing physical harm.
Not everyone responds to sensations the same way.
There is NO right or wrong amount of pain to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it should feel to YOU.
"slave" -This may be defined several ways (the one I find most appropriate for this information is as following: someone into D&S where the relationship consists of using welded (non-removable) collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no safeword agreement to make it as permanent as possible.
"top" -someone who is a controller, dominant and/or sadist
"bottom" -someone who is the controlee, submissive and/or masochist
By Definition:
All Masters are Dominants
All Dominants are Tops
All slaves are submissive
All submissives are bottoms
But not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether the player has any interest in S&M or B&D. To confuse matters further, some men will describe themselves as Masters, without being Dominant, in hope of getting to play with submissives.(I will get into the further at the bottom of the page).
"Vanilla" -something not part of the Scene. Often used to describe parts of your life, as well as people or activities. *How we (Master and i) refer to those not into the BDSM lifestyle or not into alternative sexual practices such as our).
"edge play" -There is disagreement on what this means. Some people use it to refer to play on the edge of consensual (eg pushing limits). Others mean on the edge of safety (eg play that has a significant risk of causing death or permanent damage) It can therefore be of vital importance to know which definition your potential Top is using.
*****Safe***** *****Safe***** *****Safe***** *****Safe*****
Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimizing the balance between risk and reward.
Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE!
BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humorous, artistic, healing, calming or magical. Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is intrinsically part of BDSM, while for other it is totally unconnected.
Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True BDSM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is NOT. Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an all important difference.
Occasional debates here revolve around the (relatively few) people who practice full-time Dominate/submissive relationships. Such relationships require lots of self-inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the Dominant to break down their submissive's will and to accept abuse because the submissive (according to the Dominant, and perhaps in submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This essentially what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife self-perception and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her due. And more however, she is NOT to complain.)
This kind of relationship is NOT a consensual BDSM relationship; the Dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom;s personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of relationship that both enjoy and desire.
Feminism
Some people wonder how women into BDSM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and many women in the lifestyle do agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make their OWN choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "Should" do or how they "ought" to behave.
Negotiation
The negotiation concept in the BDSM community simply means open, honest communication about what you fo and don't want. Negotiation in this sense is not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to get something at the expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where you're both talking about what you've done and what excites and doesn't excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and turned on together.
Be communicative. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling and thinking.
Don't let yourself be pressured into anything, Be HONEST.
Consensual
The simple rules:
1. Don't play with people who can't be held legally responsible for thier own actions.
2. Know what your partner's limits are (what they do and do not consent to)
3. Make sure your partner has a way to indicate that they withdraw thier consent, if they change their mind during the scene. (safeword or safe actions)
5. If you are about to do an action to them which they would have no chance to indicate their lack of consent to before it happened, and there is any doubt that they might not consent, ask them beforehand to indicate their consent explicitly.
6. If at any time you partner, while in a fit state of mind, indicates that they do not consent to your doing an action to them, or that they have withdrawn consent they previously gave, then don't do it.
7. If your partner is not in a fit state of mind to choose whether to consent or not, which can happen on occasions such as when drunk, asleep, or drugged, then it is your responsibility to take that choice for them. In general you should know not to play with them, unless you gained their explicit consent beforehand to play with them in this condition.
One exception to that would be when a masochist is so high on endorphins that they are in not fit state to judge whether to continue or not. (sub-space)
Safeword
Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realize that no one is perfect, and if you as a Top do something that squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottoms limits) it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit you didn't know what there, or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time. If you as a top feel burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too.
A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the edge via safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some Top deliberately push their bottoms until their bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the experience of using it.
**My Note: I have pushed people to say red or even cry,however,it was discussed before hand that they wanted to be pushed.If at any time they change their mind...its not worth it to continue. Not only does the bottom type person feel lousy,you might find yourself feelin the same exact way.Regretting actions taken IS NOT better than not doin them at all. The chance to do them may come about later,take your time.**
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ADVICE TO NOVICE DOMINANTS (Borrowed From a Washington Sexuality University FAQ)
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Posted:Dec 27, 2018 6:43 am
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 1:23 am 1200 Views
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Domina's Etiquette Tips ADVICE TO NOVICE DOMINANTS (Borrowed From a Washington Sexuality University FAQ) (note from Domina: The spellings here, "hir" "sie" etc. are unisex conventions. These indicate that it applies to either gender. These are deliberate, they are not misspellings.)
There are as many ways to do D/S as there are people, so you really need to know what your partner wants, doesn't want, is comfortable with, is afraid of, and so forth. A lot of submissives will have great trouble telling you what they want. For some of them, this is because they don't really KNOW what they want. Or, perhaps, they know how they want to feel, but they aren't sure what it is that will make them feel that way. Other submissives do have at least some idea of what they want, but they're too embarrassed to be able to tell you directly. And some submissives know what they want but feel as if it spoils things if they have to ask for it -- they want the impetus for the scene to come from you, and if they ask for something, then it's as if _they're_ controlling the scene, when what they want is for _you_ to control it. And of course, more than one of these can occur at once. A person can know only what it is sie wants to feel AND be too embarrassed to talk about it AND feel as if it gives hir too much control over things if sie tells you.
There are a couple of ways around these problems, but they all take a bit of work on the dom's part. For the sub who isn't all that sure what sie wants, you get hir to describe how sie wishes to feel. You ask hir what things in hir past have gotten hir to feel this way, even if it's only a small and mild version of what sie really wants. And of course you also use your knowledge of your partner to guess at what you suspect would make hir feel what sie wants. You get hir to tell you what sie fantasizes about (bearing in mind that fantasies are often more intense than anything a person would like to do in real life).
And you experiment. A scene doesn't have to last for hours. In the early stages, when you're just figuring out what works for both of you, you can try something for five minutes. (But just because the scene is short doesn't mean that you take it less seriously. You have to make these mini-scenes as real as your usual ones, or they won't work as a testing ground. Put your all into them, just keep 'em short.) Say you suspect that your submissive would enjoy wearing a collar. You put one on hir, do a few things with it, then take it off and ask hir how sie felt about it. If you and sie both liked it, you can always do it again for longer. But these mini-scenes let you try out things in the knowledge for BOTH of you that if you hate it, it only lasts for a short time -- this takes some of the pressure off. (When an ex-lover and I seemed to be moving in the direction of no-safeword scenes, I bought an egg timer. The idea was that he would have no safeword for the length of time it took the sands to run down. Three minutes is not very long, objectively speaking. But it can be a _very_ long time to someone who's never played without a safeword before and who realizes that this time there's no way out. I wasn't going to do a full-length no-safeword scene until after I'd seen how he handled the egg-timer version.)
For the sub who has at least some knowledge of what sie wants but who is too embarrassed to tell you what it is, there are a couple of routes to go. You can ask hir to write it down and give it to you, since a lot of people can write things that they cannot say. You can also try dominating it out of hir -- try winding your hand in hir hair, pulling hir head into a position that lets you stare into hir eyes, and demanding that sie tell you what you want to know right now. Or you can threaten some sort of physical punishment unless sie divulges the information (only with hir permission, of course. The punishment isn't really intended to be a motivator -- it's intended to be a way for the sub to save face with hirself. Sie can tell hirself that it's not greedy or forward or too bold or whatever to tell you what you want to know because you're _making_ hir tell you). Sometimes just letting hir tell you in the dark, when you're snuggled up with your arms around hir will be enough.
The sub who doesn't want to tell you anything because sie thinks that means that sie's controlling the scene or that sie's forcing you into something you don't really want tends to be a somewhat harder case, but there are a few things you can try. You can tell hir that you aren't promising to do any of the things that sie asks for -- you're just asking because as the dom, you have the right to ask any damned thing you please and to get an answer. "Since you are my property, the contents of your mind are also my property, and you will give them to me when I ask" is something I tell my submissive. You can tell hir that you want the information for your own selfish pleasure -- "Making you be submissive in a way that's good for you is likely to be more fun for me than making you be submissive in a way that's bad for you, because the second way makes me work harder for less return. So give me what I need to know to get what I want."
Oh, yes, and a type I forgot to mention. Some submissives think that no one _really_ wants to dominate them, that you're just humoring them, and leaving you to your own devices is sort of a test. It's as if they're saying, "If you really want this, you'll figure it out on your own." My own submissive had a touch of this, so I just jumped in and started ordering him around, and once he was assured that I wanted it, too, his fantasies started pouring out.
Once you start getting information out of the person, there are a bunch of things you need to know.
1. You know sie's interested in D/S, but what kind?
a. Does sie want to do D/S for a short time in bed and be equal out of scene, or is sie after a full-time D/S relationship?
b. Does sie want this to be you and hir, or does sie want the two of you to assume some sort of fantasy roles, like teacher/student or parent/ or jailer/prisoner?
c. Does sie want to be treated as a valuable submissive, or does sie crave humiliation?
d. Does sie go for lots of symbols, like kneeling at your feet, wearing a collar, and so forth?
e. Are there things that sie likes to be made to say? Some subs like being made to say things like "I am yours, Mistress" or "Please use me for your pleasure, Sir," whereas others find this sort of thing too flowery and prefer sharper exchanges and still others get nonverbal when in scene and find speech annoying. (I'm reminded of a woman who told me that she could never bring herself to call a man "Master," because the word always made her think of Igor saying "Yesss, Massster," and she would start laughing. It wasn't that she was disrespectful -- she had no trouble with "Sir" or "My Lord," but "Master" made her crack up.)
f. What sorts of things would sie like _you_ to say? Some submissives like being called names by their dominants, some like hearing that they are slaves or that they are owned, others like being told about the various unspeakable things that are about to happen to them, others like hearing an explicit list of rules and expectations, others like hearing that their dominant enjoys what sie's doing -- there's a really long list of different things that turn different people on, and I can't cover it all. (For example, my submissive loves hearing the words "You're my slave." Very simple sentence, but it does something to him. He also loves hearing, when I hurt him, "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." To show you how different even very similar people can be, I would hate being told "You're my slave" but I would love being told "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." (To make it even more complicated, I have no trouble with "You're mine;" it's the word "slave" that I can't stomach.) Getting a feel for what sort of thing underlies your submissive's submissive desires will help you get a feel for what sorts of things sie likes to hear.)
g. The above point leads in to what is the subtlest sort of distinction to make but the one that will be the most useful. Once you've gotten the answers to the above sorts of questions, you might be able to abstract some sort of general theme that guides your submissive's desires and fantasy life. Some submissives have the "I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished" mindset, some have a "I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything" mindset, some have a "I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me" mindset or the "I want us to blend into one person" mindset or the "I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things" mindset or any of others. Once you've talked and played for a while, you might get an intuitive feel for this. It may be something that your submissive can tell you, but it may not be -- sie may not have thought about it or analyzed it to this extent. But if you _can_ figure out what sort of mindset underlies your partner's submission, it makes doing new things and guiding your future play a lot easier. You'll know what new things are likely to work and what won't because you'll understand the underlying motivations.
2. What sorts of things does sie like besides D/S? a. Is bondage okay? If so, how much and what kind? b. Is pain okay? If so, how much and what kind?
Okay. So now you know what your submissive wants. You also have to figure out what YOU want. It's easy, when you're first starting out and trying to figure out how to be a dom, to imagine some stereotypical stern, sneering dominant and try to emulate that image. But not all of us are cut out to fit that mold, and luckily for us, not all submissives _like_ dominants who fit that mold. You need to find _your_ personal style. The best style for you is not the one that's the closest to the stereotype, it's the one that makes your eyes light up and your energy rise and makes you feel that THIS is the most alive you've felt in a long time. Personally, I'm a pretty gentle dominant as far as manner goes, but manner can be deceiving. One of the things I like to do is to force my submissive to do things that he wants to do but is too frightened to do -- the "You are so much mine that I can make you do something that terrifies you" feeling is quite a rush for me, but I know I can let myself give in to that feeling because I'm making him do something that he secretly wants. I also like mental stripping -- making my slave be mentally and emotionally naked with me -- he must tell me anything I want to know about him. Oh, and making him scream is fun, too.
Of course, your style will be influenced by your submissive's style. The sort of submissive who wants to be forced into submission will elicit a different response from you than the sort of submissive who wants to lay hir submission at your feet like a present. And of course, some submissives can do one thing at one time and the other thing at another time. Just to keep you on your toes.
Don't worry if it feels sort of strange in the beginning. When I first started dominating my slave, I would look at my face in the mirror and chuckle and say, "This is NOT the face of the sort of person who owns a man." But that "WHO? Sweet little me?" feeling wore off after a while. That "I'm not cut out for this. I don't know what I'm doing" feeling wore off after a while. If it's TRULY not for you, don't force yourself. But do give yourself a little while to try it on and get used to it before you decide whether or not it's for you. I felt silly and nervous and out of place at first. But after a while, I came to feel that there were few things I'd ever done that were more satisfying
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Finding the Right Dom or Domme
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Posted:Dec 26, 2018 6:24 am
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2018 11:59 am 779 Views
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Finding the Right Dom or Domme
Just a note, you may not get complete detailed answers to all of these questions, but you should be able to get general ideas to most all of them. For example, many Dom/mes may not be willing to tell you if they prefer to use a form or physical punishment vs. a mental one. (i.e. spankings vs. a written apology and no contact with the top until x and such time) or a combination of the two.
1. How long have you been involved in the D/s lifestyle, and what led you to it in the first place?
2. Do you have or plan to have a more than one slave/submissive, on or offline?
3. What sort of relationship are you looking for? Online only, phone, real world, potential marriage/permanent partner?
4. How much time are you willing to devote to training a new sub, and how much of her time would you require in return. Would you have daily contact with your submissive/slave?
5. Do you indulge in these pleasures with women/men in "real life?" If so, what precautions for health and safety are involved? What type of safety precautions do you feel are necessary for an online or phone relationship?
6. What sort of training/education have you had to be the dominant member of this relationship? Have you had experience training a submissive who is new to D/s? What made you decide this was for you?
7. What are your basic philosophies with regard to D/s.
8. What are your rules, contracts, agreements, etc.? What do you require of your slave and of yourself?
9. What sort of structured training do you prefer to use? What sorts of discipline/punishment for infractions? What kinds of tasks do you assign your save to perform for you?
10. What are your deepest desires, pleasures, hopes for this relationship? What, in your opinion, does the Dom receive in return for his time, love and protective care over his sub?
11. Do you have any references available that I might contact?
12. I would like to discuss with you what level of submissive you feel you are looking for.
Though I realize this is not a hard and fast, I do feel that we can learn more about our potential as a Sub/Dom pair by discussing this.
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