Play Tips For Beginners
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Posted:Dec 26, 2018 5:48 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 11:27 am 824 Views
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Play Tips For Beginners
Author: Raven Shadowborne © 2000
The aspect of "play" in a BDSM relationship can be scary and confusing for those who are new to it. A common misconception is that one has to have pain play in the relationship, this is not true. Another common misconception is that play starts at an intense stage and stays there, this is also not true. For those who are beginning in BDSM, are anxious to try different types of play, but wish to go slow, it is often hard to find information that meets those needs.
Most people will agree that taking it slowly is the best course of action, specially if you are new to the physical aspects of BDSM. It is dangerous for yourself and your partner(s) to rush into things you do not know how to do. Practice and planning are essential when trying new things.
When a couple who is just beginning to bring bdsm into their lives, encounters the physical play aspects, it often raises fear in the submissive partner. It is best to go slowly. Start with very light play. A soft velvet or real supple suede flogger. A velvet or suede flogger causes almost no pain (unless you snap it real hard) but does cause a very erotic and arousing sensation. It is used by many of us as a warm up or sensual toy, when the focus is pleasure, not pain. Such a flogger is difficult to cause damage to your partner with, so is a wonderful "learning" flogger. It takes a great deal of effort to make a velvet flogger actually hurt. Use light strokes at first, increasing the pressure of each strike over time. This allows both you and your partner to adjust to the increasing sensations and learn to relax with the implement.
Another beginning way to play is with gentle bondage. In the beginning choose a wider rope that is very soft. Spread eagle on the bed is a good one, either on the back or on the belly with pillows under the stomach. Many find those velvet drapery tie backs to work very well. Again, the softness creates a more erotic feel, yet allows the sensation of being bound to come through clearly. Also, being softer, they are less apt to dig into the skin if tied a bit too tight, or they slip. ALWAYS have a pair of sharp scissors handy in case you need to cut the rope to release the submissive. There is a possibility of really soft bonds slipping and tightening the knots with the struggles of the submissive.
Basically, just about any type of play you have read or heard about, can be brought down to a lighter level and used by the beginner with a little forethought and creativity.
In the beginning, keeping the focus on pleasure and arousal can go a long way towards alleviating the fear of these new activities. Always discuss the scenes after they are done, to learn what your partner liked, didn't like, or such things. These discussions are of great benefit when thinking of another session to come. However, it is imperative during these discussions, that both parties give their honest feelings and thoughts. If the submissive wanted the strikes to be harder, they must say so or the Top/dominant will not know when to take the play to the next level.
Always play safe, try the toys out on yourself where appropriate before using them on a submissive, and always practice technique and aim with any flogger until you feel comfortable using it, before you use it on a living thing. (A velvet/plush pillow is great for practice because the change in the material's color tells you where the tails landed) Remember, a scene is for the pleasure of all involved, so tailor what you do to your specific preferences (and those of your partner) and allow nature to take it's course. Have fun!
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Another negotiation form
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Posted:Dec 24, 2018 6:22 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 11:27 am 1508 Views
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Code Guide Y = Yes
N = No
M = Maybe
IDK = I don't know
F = Fantasy
N/A = not applicable
Body Boundaries
___ A partner touching me affectionately without asking first
___ Touching a partner affectionately without asking first
___ A partner touching me sexually without asking first
___ Touching a partner sexually without asking first
___ A partner touching me affectionately in public
___ Touching a partner affectionately in public
___ A partner touching me sexually in public
___ Touching a partner sexually in public
___ Having my shirt/top off with a partner
___ Having a partner's shirt/top off
___ Having my pants/bottoms off with a partner
___ Having a partner's pants/bottoms off
___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights off or low
___ A partner being completely naked with the lights off or low
___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights on
___ A partner being completely naked with the lights on
__ Direct eye contact
__ Being looked at directly, overall, when I am naked
___ Grooming or toileting in front of a partner
___ A partner grooming/using the toilet in front of me
___ A partner looking directly at my genitals
___ A partner talking about my body
___ Talking about a partner's body
___ Some or all of a disability, identity or difference I have being specifically made part of sex, sexualized or objectified
___ Some or all of a disability, identity or difference a partner has being specifically made part of sex, sexualized or objectified
___ Some or all kinds of sex during a menstrual period
___ Seeing or being exposed to other kinds of body fluids (like semen, sweat or urine)
___ Shaving/trimming/removing my own pubic hair
___ Shaving/trimming/removing a partner's pubic hair
___ Other: Shaving because partner asks me to. I have an oath not to shave except my face and chest. I am both genders spiritually.
Some parts of my body are just off-limits. Those are:
I am not comfortable looking at, touching or feeling some parts of another person's body. Those are:
I am triggered by (have a post-traumatic response to) something(s) about body boundaries. Those are/that is:
Words & Terms
I prefer the following gender/sexual identity or role words (like man, woman, boi, femme, butch, top, etc.) to be used for me:
I prefer my chest or breasts be referred to as:
I prefer my genitals to be referred to as:
I prefer my sexual orientation and/or identity to be referred to as:
Some words I am not okay with to refer to me, my identity, my body or, or which I am uncomfortable using or hearing about, with or during any kind of sex are:
I am triggered by certain words or language. Those are/that is:
Relationship Models & Choices
___ A partner talking to close friends about our sex life
___ Talking to close friends about my sex life
___ A partner talking to acquaintances, family or co-workers about our sex life
___ Talking to acquaintances, family or co-workers about my sex life
___ An exclusive romantic relationship
___ An exclusive sexual relationship
___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/non-exclusive romantic relationship
___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/non-exclusive sexual relationship
___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive romantic relationship
___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive sexual relationship
___ Sex of some kind(s) with one partner at a time, only
___ Sex of some kind(s) with two partners at a time
___ Sex of some kind(s) with three partners at a time
___ Sex of some kind(s) with more than three partners at a time
___ A partner directing/deciding for me in some way with sex
___ Directing or deciding for a partner in some way with sex
___ Other:
___ Other:
Safer Sex and Overall Safety Items and Behaviors
___ Sharing my sexual history with a partner
___ A partner sharing their sexual history with me
___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose high risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose moderate risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose low risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
___ Using a condom with a partner, always
___ Using a condom with a partner, not always
___ Putting on a condom myself
___ Putting on a condom for someone else
___ Someone else putting on a condom for me
___ Using a dental dam, with a partner, always
___ Using a dental dam, with a partner, not always
___ Putting on a dental dam for myself
___ Putting a dental dam on someone else
___ Someone else putting a dental dam on me
___ Using a latex glove with a partner, always
___ Using a latex glove with a partner, not always
___ Putting on a latex glove for myself
___ Putting on a latex glove for someone else
___ Someone else putting a latex glove on me
___ Using lubricant with a partner
___ Applying lubricant to myself
___ Applying lubricant on a partner
___ Someone else putting lubricant on me
___ Getting tested for STIs before sex with a partner
___ Getting regularly tested for STIs by myself
___ Getting tested for STIs with a partner
___ A partner getting regularly tested for STIs
___ Sharing STI test results with a partner
___ Doing things which might cause me momentary or minor discomfort or pain
___ Doing things which might cause a partner momentary or minor discomfort or pain
___ Doing things which might cause me sustained or major discomfort or pain
___ Doing things which might cause a partner sustained or major discomfort or pain
___ Being unable to communicate clearly during sex
___ Having a partner be unable to communicate clearly
___ Initiating or having sex while or after I have been using alcohol or other recreational drugs
___ A partner initiating or having sex while or after using alcohol or other recreational drugs
___ Other:
___ Other:
I am triggered by something(s) around sexual safety, or need additional safety precautions because of triggers. Those are/that is:
Sexual Responses
___ Experiencing or expressing unexpected or challenging emotions before, during or after sex
___ A partner experiencing or expressing or challenging emotions before, during or after sex
___ Not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex
___ A partner not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex
___ Feeling and being aroused (sexually excited), alone
___ Feeling and being aroused, with or in front of a partner
___ Having genital sexual response, like erection or lubrication, alone
___ Having genital sexual response, like erection or lubrication, seen or felt by a partner
___ Not having or "losing" erection or lubrication, alone
___ Not having or "losing" erection or lubrication, with or in front of a partner
___ Being unable to reach orgasm, alone
___ Being unable to reach orgasm, with a partner
___ Having one orgasm, alone
___ Having one orgasm, with or in front of a partner
___ Having more than one orgasm, alone
___ Having more than one orgasm, with or in front of a partner
___ Ejaculating, alone
___ Ejaculating, with or in front of a partner
___ Having a partner ejaculate with me/while I'm present
___ Having an orgasm before or after you feel like you "should" with a partner
___ Having a partner have an orgasm before or after you feel like they "should"
___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, alone
___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, with a partner
___ Having sex interrupted by something or someone external or your own body or feelings
___ Other:
___ Other:
I am triggered by certain sexual responses of my own or those of a partner. Those are:
I like or don't like having or giving certain kinds of sexual aftercare (like snuggling or reaffirming emotional feelings). Those are:
"Receptive" means the person in a given activity who is taking someone else into their body in some way, and "insertive" means the partner who is putting themselves into another person. "Giving" means a person doing something to someone else, and "receiving" is the person having something done to them. Language for these things is imperfect, though, since any time we're actively having sex with someone else, everyone is the "doer" not just one person.
Physical and/or Sexual Activities
___ Masturbation
___ Holding hands
___ Hugging
___ Kissing, cheek or face
___ Kissing, closed-mouth
___ Kissing, open-mouth
___ Being kissed or touched on the neck
___ Kissing or touching a partner's neck
___ Giving hickeys
___ Getting hickeys
___ Tickling, doing the tickling
___ Tickling, being tickled
___ Wrestling or "play-fighting"
___ General massage, giving
___ General massage, receiving
___ Having my chest, breasts and/or nipples touched or rubbed
___ Touching or rubbing a partner's the breasts, chest and/or nipples
___ Frottage (dry humping/clothed body-to-body rubbing)
___ Tribadism (scissoring, rubbing naked genitals together with a partner)
___ A partner putting their mouth or tongue on my breasts or chest
___ Putting my mouth or tongue on a partner's breasts or chest
___ Masturbating in front of/with a partner
___ A partner masturbating in front of/with me
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on penis or strap-on), receiving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers to penis or strap-on), giving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on testes), receiving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on testes), giving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on vulva), receiving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on vulva), giving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside vagina), receiving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside vagina), giving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around anus), receiving
__ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around anus), giving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside rectum), receiving
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside rectum), giving
___ Ejaculating (coming) on or in a partner's body
___ A partner ejaculating (coming) on or in my body
___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation sleeves), alone
___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation sleeves), with a partner
___ Oral sex (to vulva), receptive partner
___ Oral sex (to vulva), doing to someone else
__ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), receptive partner
___ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), doing to someone else
___ Oral sex (to testes), receptive partner
___ Oral sex (to testes), doing to someone else
___ Oral sex (to anus), receptive partner
___ Oral sex (to anus), doing to someone else
___ Vaginal intercourse, receptive partner
___ Vaginal intercourse, insertive partner
___ Anal intercourse, receptive partner
___ Anal intercourse, insertive partner
___ Using food items as a part of sex
___ Cross-dressing during sex
___ Having a partner cross-dress during sex
___ Biting a partner
___ Being bitten by a partner
___ Scratching a partner
___ Being scratched by a partner
___ Wearing something that covers my eyes
___ A partner wearing something that covers their eyes
___ Having my movement restricted
___ Restricting the movement of a partner
___ Being slapped or spanked by a partner in the context of sexual pleasure
___ Slapping or spanking a partner in the context of sexual pleasure
___ Pinching or having any kind of clamp used on my body during sex
___ Pinching a partner or using any kind of clamp on them during sex
___ Other:
___ Other:
I am triggered by certain sexual activities. Those are:
Non-Physical (or not necessarily physical) Sexual Activities
___ Communicating my sexual fantasies to/with a partner
___ Receiving information about a partner's sexual fantasies
___ Role-play
___ Phone sex
___ Cybersex, in IM
___ Cybersex, in chat room
___ Cybersex, on cell phone
___ Getting sexual images of a partner in my email or on my phone
___ Giving sexual images to a partner in their email or on their phone
___ Reading pornography or erotica, alone
___ Reading pornography or erotica, with a partner
___ Viewing pornography, alone
___ Viewing pornography, with a partner
___ A partner reading or viewing pornography
___ Giving pornography/erotica to a partner
___ Getting pornography/erotica from a partner
___ Other:
___ Other:
I am triggered by certain non-physical sexual activities. Those are
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Questions to ask before play
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Posted:Dec 20, 2018 9:28 am
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2019 3:36 pm 867 Views
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What would you like to experience/feel during our play?
What would you NOT like to experience/feel during our play?
What are some signs (verbal, physical, etc.) that the scene has gone or is going in a direction that you do not want?
Do you have any wants or needs that I should pay particular attention to before, during, or after our play?
How do you feel about mid-scene negotiation?
How do you feel about crying during play?
Do you have any injuries, recent or otherwise, that may affect our play?
How will those injuries potentially affect our play?
Is there anywhere that you would not like me to touch you and/or hurt you?
What are your aftercare needs?
Do you have any triggers that I should be aware of/watch out for?
What does it look/sound like when you are triggered?
If I trigger you, how should I respond in that moment and afterwards?
What does it look/sound like when you are nearing the point where you would like to stop play?
Do you go non-verbal or experience headspaces that inhibit communication?
How would you like to communicate in the event that you go nonverbal?
Would you prefer to negotiate in the “Everything except A, B, and C is on the table?” style or in the “Only X, Y, and Z are on the table” style?
Do you prefer to use plain communication (e.g. “I need a break from the cattle prod, but impact play is still fine”) or colors (e.g. red, yellow, green) or another safeword system?
Directly before the scene: How are you doing physically?
Directly before the scene: How are you doing emotionally?
Directly before the scene: Are there any new wants or needs that have popped up between when we negotiated and now?
If something goes wrong and there are negative consequences during or after our play, do you think you will feel comfortable letting me know (in person, via text or other messaging system, through a 3rd party)?
If something goes wrong and there are negative consequences, how would you like me to respond? (assuming that I am aware that something went wrong)
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