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The Hand of a Dominant
Posted:Feb 18, 2019 5:04 am
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2019 9:59 am
The hand of a Dominant is an extension of their heart, mind, and will. It is used to communicate with a broader range and often to greater effect than mere words alone. The hand of a Dom is employed to lead and guide, caress and massage, reassure and calm, tease and please, coax and lure, tie and torment, correct and punish. More is communicated by the look and touch of a Dom than most any collection of mere words could impart.

A Dominant is often of few words, yet the most competent among us are excellent communicators without exception. They not only know how to convey a point but also are fine-tuned receptors. They sense verbal and non-verbal cues in others more acutely and accurately than most. The oft portrayed image of the dispassionate and stoic Dominant, lording themselves over a submissive, commanding performance with barked orders, a sneer, and glare is far from reality. While many Doms may not necessarily be gregarious by nature they do not simply sit idly back. They survey and absorb all that is happening around them, take it in, read people and in so doing, hone their own communication skills.

Submissives often refer to their Dominants as mind readers because of the seemingly uncanny manner with which they anticipate and react to a sub’s unspoken thoughts or moods. Sometimes it seems as though the Dom is responding to feelings a submissive has not yet even acknowledged to themselves. There is no ESP involved here. A competent Dominant is simply well attuned to the non-verbal signals a submissive is sending, even when they are doing so unconsciously.

How is this possible?

When it comes to interpersonal communication, most people think of spoken words as the primary means of exchanging information, ideas, and feelings. But in fact, only seven percent of actual face-to-face communication exchange occurs in the form of words themselves. Remove the words entirely and more than ninety percent of all communication still exists in the form of vocal inflection and body language known as kinesics. Kinesics includes things like eye contact, facial expression, gestures, posture, touch, proximity, and poise.

Most good and competent Dominants have a natural and intuitive sense of kinesics. They are highly attuned to the body language of their submissive and perhaps more importantly have learned to use kinesics to appropriately respond in kind. For example, when a submissive is expressing defiance, a gentle but firm hand to the shoulder and an unwavering gaze is often all that is required to calm and bring them to their knees. When a submissive is feeling nervous or inadequate, a gentle cupping of a cheek and a smile can bring peace and confidence. When a submissive is feeling sensually closed off, a fingertip traced slowly down the spine and a whispered, “Mine” can transform them into molten lustful lava. When a submissive is feeling playful or randy, hair firmly grasped, a hand placed to the throat, or a firm slap to the ass combined with a lecherous leer can snap them into a state of lathered submission ready for anything a Master has in mind. And of course, in extreme cases, the hand of a Dominant is there as an implement of correction and even punishment.

Ultimately the hand of a Dominant is employed to guide a submissive through and beyond the internal struggles they experience with surrender. This guidance is far subtler than many perceive. It is not about spankings and orgasms but rather about gently coaxing and luring a submissive onwards, navigating deftly past insecurities and obstacles to achieving their highest state of surrender. In so doing, a bond of love and respect is created that leaves the submissive powerless before their Dominant in adoration and desire.

So the hand of a good and competent Dominant is an extension of the loving guidance they provide to a submissive that allows them to be all they possibly can; their most submissive selves but also their most authentic selves. The hand of Dominant cradles a submissive in protection and care places them on a pedestal and elevates their being to its highest state.

Rare and precious are these competent and caring Dominant hands and fortunate are those few to come under them.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
I'm still learning
Posted:Feb 17, 2019 10:41 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2019 5:31 pm

Mirror Work
Posted:Feb 17, 2019 9:37 am
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2019 8:58 am
Fuck, I’d rather light myself on fire!

The first set of instruction is a comprehensive written list of all the parts of my body I currently “hate” with details about when it’s the worst (position) or intrudes into my focus. And then I have to give Him the list. He spends days with the list. Asks more questions.

Then comes the instructions for the training day.

Forced to look, listen, experience…

To endure grabbing, pulling, squeezing parts that life, aging, and gravity have been less than kind too. To see all those parts from every angle. To not be allowed to look away, not a moment’s respite.

Once the sobbing subsides a bit, He describes what He sees, showing me the curves He focuses on, the sensations He feels.

He takes His pleasure in every form imaginable while I watch. The mirrors not only show me to myself but His pleasure, His undeniable lust, even while grabbing and enjoying the parts I hate. (I’m an evidence-based kinda girl.)

There is an overriding theme, a mantra.

“I am perfect for Him.” That I am never more beautiful than when I’m on my knees or in the moment I have surrendered my being to His to receive the gift of erotic pain or am put to use pleasing Him.

A quote from Him: “Little one, I refuse to fucking to compete. I will have you, you will give me your complete surrender and focus. I will not abide by a competitor. And right now, I’m competing with your inner critic. We will do this as many times as it takes. I will break this distraction and have your complete focus. I will not accept competition.”

And in the end, I am broken and he remakes me. Remakes me to come before Him truly “naked and unashamed.”

~submissive seeking
Into The Wild
Posted:Feb 17, 2019 8:53 am
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2019 11:36 am
Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.

— Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild
Slow Burn
Posted:Feb 17, 2019 7:22 am
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2019 8:07 am

Posted:Feb 16, 2019 10:59 pm
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2019 9:12 pm
Sometimes all I need is for him to be there. It’s a hard thing for me to admit. I’m more likely to gently, quietly suggest that maybe it would be nice to have more of him. Maybe. And the more I need him, the less willing I am to say so.

I started a new job a couple of weeks ago. And the day before, I was freaking out. Not sure what to wear or whether I was ready. Stressing about every detail. I am good at putting on a brave face, but change is hard for me. And Sir knows it. So the night before, he offered to meet me for coffee that morning.

me: Sir, you don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine.
Him: Happy to do so. Maybe a good hug will calm you down and get you centered.
me: I always like to see your face. It’s really not necessary though. I’m a big girl.
Him: You are MY big girl. But I really don’t like the thought of you full of anxiety.
(long pause)
me: I guess this is the part where I just say, “yes, Sir.”
Him: Good girl.

And so the next morning, a nervous little girl walked into a coffee shop wearing very grownup clothes and feeling a bit out of place. Then Sir walked in. He smiled at me the way that he does when his heart is overflowing, and I knew it was all okay. He sat down next to me, and he was beaming. He told me how proud he was and how professional I looked. Said he felt a little like he was sending me off for my first day of school. Asked if I had a juice box in my bag. I’m sure I blushed.

Then he got out a pen and grabbed my hand. It tickled a little as the tip of the pen moved over my skin.

“Now, this is a little cheesy. But. When you are feeling nervous or overwhelmed today, I want you to cross your fingers. And think of me behind you, wrapping my arms around you.”

He crossed my fingers. I looked down and saw two smiling faces, with one wrapping arms around the other. And in those faces, I could see our lazy moments curled up in bed. Big spoon and little spoon. Collared and cuffed, with his hands holding my wrists while we slept. I could see the way he smiles at me when I sit on the floor and play with the dog. I could see his eyes as he claims me, telling me he chooses me. Telling me we will make this work. All day I stared at those little happy fingers, crossing them when they needed a hug. And all day I felt him with me.

Sometimes D/s isn’t spanking and fucking. Sometimes it’s just presence. With the new job, we’ve had less time together than we had before. But these little happy fingers show me that he doesn’t have to be with me to be with me. A quick note, pictures, a phone call, giving or denying permission—these are all ways I feel his love and ownership. I am still his property, and he is still my Owner. And when I can’t feel his hand on my throat, feeling his presence makes all the difference in the world.

Posted:Feb 16, 2019 9:32 pm
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2019 8:35 am
The whip marks are raised on your pale flesh.
The red left of my hand on your ass.
Your body stretched taut,
the muscles in your legs defined sharply
as you teeter on your heels.

Your nipples are clamped hard,
swollen and painful.
Your mascara has run and dried.

I reach between your legs,
feel your wetness, probe it,
take your clit between my fingers and listen
as you cry out.

Your eyes are just a bit mad,
somewhere between lust and pain,
between hope and fear, hungry for more.
I oblige and your cries ring against the ancient brick walls.

This is our love.
Ours, and ours alone.

What Are You Reading?
Posted:Feb 16, 2019 2:29 am
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2019 10:25 pm
It doesn't matter if it's Winter or Summer, I read all year round. I really love reading anything I can get my hands on. Also, I like to read a book where you can turn the page. Right now I'm finishing a book called "Whiskey Words & a Shovel III" By R.H. Sin. It was a good book.

So what are you reading? Do you like books or do you prefer a tablet?
Posted:Feb 15, 2019 10:11 am
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2019 11:18 pm
There is a time after the cuffs are fastened, the blindfold in place, the last knot tied, when we must practice a discipline that neither of us is particularly good at. A time when our anticipation and excitement are at their zenith when all we want to do is devour and be devoured. This is the hardest part of all.

For it is not the things that come next that are the real challenge for us, you and I. We know what we like and what we want, the pleasures and pains, the murmurs and cries. These are the reason we are here. We do not cringe at the spankings and floggings, the pinch of the pegs, the pleasing and denial. We do not shrink from fears of the unknown or concerns over harming or being harmed. No, in those places we are at our most comfortable, for we have absolute knowledge, faith, and trust in each other.

The part that challenges us most, the thing we have to work the hardest to succeed, is the waiting. Calming the breath. Slowing the pulse. Giving time, time. This is the hard stuff. Being in the moment. Not anticipating. Not needing. Not preordaining. Just the two of us, separate in body and space, merged in thought and intent.

We know where we are going. We know what we want. Now is the time to savor exactly where we are. Here. Now. Us.


Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Giving Versus Taking - A Dom’s Eye View
Posted:Feb 15, 2019 7:43 am
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2019 8:19 pm
I have been mulling over why D/s relationships work so well for some, serving as the most powerful and soaring bond a couple can enjoy, while for others it proves to be complete disaster leaving the participants cold and sometimes deeply emotionally scarred and hurt. There are as many reasons why relationships work or fail as there are people in them, but one common thread emerges that I think is worthy of examination.

It seems to be the nature of the human condition that as individuals we tend to be self-centered beings. From an emotional standpoint, we often believe that the world revolves around each of us respectively. Naturally, this cannot possibly be the case, nor should it be, but it seems to be our human default position, one that leads to a very common and natural perception of our interaction with other people from a “what’s in it for me?” point of view. Obviously, if we all operate from the assumption that we are first and foremost out to get something for ourselves, then our relationships with other people are not only going to be poor but frankly impossible.

The illusion of the power exchange is that a submissive is all about giving to the Dom while the Dom is all about taking from the submissive. That is, after all, an outward hallmark of Dominance and submission. But there is a significant difference between the overt signs of power exchange and the underlying D/s relationship that supports it. Where I see people getting into trouble most is when they actually believe that the relationship itself is founded on the imbalance of power it outwardly portrays.

I fear, for example, that many men are attracted to BDSM for the very reason that it outwardly portrays something they lack, the ability to control. BDSM outwardly looks to be the embodiment of the sophomoric fantasy nearly every boy has of having the girlfriend he always wanted, doing the things he always wanted, in exactly the ways he always wanted. Oh, and with all that he also gets to take out his frustrations on her at his whim, thrashing her and toying with her until she pleads that she will do whatever he wants, just please stop. Ugh!

OK, so that is indeed a fun fantasy, I admit it. And in fact, to some degree is one that I live out from time to time with my Muse. But it is purely a fantasy; it is not the basis of a D/s relationship, not at all. If the sum total of my involvement in my D/s relationship were to continually take what I want, how I want, when I want, my submissive would in no way feel a desire to submit. She would feel used, abused, and taken advantage of. She would quickly retract her submission and walk away. Likely, she would never have given it in the first place. So, if D/s is not about giving by a submissive and taking by a Dom, what is it?

It is about giving. Period.

A submissive has a natural tendency to want to please their partner and make them feel good. But when this innate sense of giving is granted to a partner who tends toward self-centered behavior, taking everything the submissive gives and demanding more, it leads to a sense of frustration and eventually a feeling of being used and even abused. Early in the relationship, this lack of reciprocity is often overlooked in the euphoric high of romantic love. But in time, the submissive will eventually feel that they have become a doormat and highly resent it. But this is not because of her submission and sense of giving are wrong, but because it is granted to the wrong type of person under the wrong terms. From the perspective of that submissive’s self-centered partner, they have simply taken what was offered and it has become an expectation. Regardless, the mix is toxic.

In a D/s relationship a Dom does a tremendous amount of giving to earn and warrant submission. The key is that submission is not “taken from” a submissive but rather is received. A submissive “gives” her submission, it is not “taken” from her. A submissive that has previously been in relationships where there was an imbalance of giving versus taking might well have developed a genuine resentment toward pleasing their partner. Yet, when exposed to a healthy D/s relationship with a Dom who gives equally and without reservation, will find that many of the things they felt were taken from them and over which they felt resentful will suddenly become highly desirable. They will feel a magnetic pull toward their Dom and a desire to please and be pleasing in ways they often previously resented or even avoided. This is a shock when it is first experienced and a submissive can often be surprised by the extent to which they crave to please in ways that had previously been anathema to them.

So why is this?

In my opinion, it is because within a healthy D/s relationship a submissive feels highly valued, appreciated, acknowledged and loved. Ultimately what a good and successful Dom does most is to work tirelessly to be worthy of submission. That means not so much walking about with an air of superiority, authority, and swagger, but rather being diligent in their efforts to be the best and most complete person they can be. That means being in control of their own lives, being successful at what they do, making the effort to master something, being kind and charitable to others, being in touch with their own feelings and willing to communicate them, being humble and showing empathy for others, and finally focusing all of these traits with single-minded purpose for the betterment of the relationship. This takes a lot of work and a tremendous amount of giving on the part of a Dom.

A good and competent Dom spends a great deal of time building up the self-esteem and self-worth of their submissive. A Dom gives of themselves tirelessly toward the happiness, self-awareness, self-acceptance, and love of a submissive. A Dom in a D/s relationship makes a submissive feel safe, protected, cherished, valued, needed and loved. A Dom shows great appreciation for the gifts a submissive gives. This does not just happen. It takes effort, continual work to create and maintain an atmosphere and environment that fosters ever-greater depths of submission. Ultimately all of this giving and acceptance creates a trust bond unlike any other. It creates the sacred space in which submission can be granted and received unreservedly and is largely responsible for the indescribable bond so often referred to by partners in healthy and loving D/s relationships.

All of this exists not because of what a Dominant feels they can take from the relationship, but rather because of a desire to give to the relationship and uplift the submissive they so cherish in every possible way. That is pure giving, and giving is what it takes to be a good Dom.

A D/s relationship is based on equals coming together to engage in a consensual power exchange of agreed to strength and limits. While the power exchange by its very nature implies significant imbalance between the partners, it is negotiated and originated by equals. This means that for the relationship to be successful giving must be done in equal measure by both the submissive and the Dominant.

Is there give and take in a D/s relationship? Of course. But at the heart of it, the power and depth of emotion felt in a healthy and loving D/s relationship stems from the fact that it is ultimately one of the most consciously giving relationships I know of. I personally give more time, energy, emotion and effort to my D/s relationship with my Muse than any other. The results speak for themselves.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

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