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Domination & submission ...A Power Exchange Relationship.
Posted:Jun 19, 2019 2:26 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2019 8:18 pm
If anyone were to ask what 'Dominance and submission' is, they'd receive almost as many answers as people who practice it. Simply stated, though, most would agree that D/s consists of a consensual relationship that is based around a power exchange between two people. One per is the controlling one, known as the Dominant; the other per is the controlled one and is known as the submissive (note that 'Dominant' is usually capitalized and that 'submissive' is not). The submissive gives a certain amount of 'power' to the Dominant over their lives. This can be as simple as the Dominant telling them what to wear each day or can be as complex as them having to ask the Dominant for permission to even leave the room. The important thing to note here is that we are talking about consensual relationships. The rights of the submissive are not taken from them, they are given freely during a period of negotiation.

Total Power Exchange

Arguably, the 'pinnacle' of D/s relationships is a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship, where the submissive gives up all control to the Dominant. Total means just that. The Dominant controls every aspect of their lives from what they wear or eat, to where they go and who they see. There are many that claim to have this, but this Researcher has seen few real examples. It should be emphasized that this is only arguably the pinnacle of D/s relationships. The other side of the coin is that every D/s relationship is just as good no matter how much power is exchanged.

Some Terms

Before we go too much further, let's define a few terms that exist within the D/s lifestyle:

• Dominant - The per who has been given some amount of control over the
submissive. Other terms describing them are Dom and Domme.

• submissive - The per who gives some amount of control to the Dominant. Other terms describing them are sub, pet, and slave.

• D/s - Dominance and submission. A power exchange relationship.

• Lifestyle - Generally those that practice D/s are part of 'the lifestyle'. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a descriptive term.

• Vanilla - a non-D/s relationship.

• 24/7 - Living a D/s relationship 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To put it another way, you are always in a power exchange relationship.

• Scene - The best way to describe this is to think of a 'scene' from a movie. This is one interaction between a Dom and a sub. It doesn't have to be sexual; all that is required is that a power exchange has taken place. Those not in a 24/7 relationship tend to have 'scenes' where the power exchange happens. Even those in 24/7 relationships can have scenes, where the exchange becomes deeper.

• Top - A per who Dominates for only a scene. If you think of it as a 'one night stand' in the D/s lifestyle you wouldn't be quite correct, but it's a good start. This doesn't mean that the Top is a 'Dominant', just that the dominate for the one scene.

• bottom - A per who is submissive for only a scene. This does not mean the per is always a submissive, just that they are submissive for the scene. See 'Top'.

• Switch - Someone who switches between the Dominant and submissive roles.

• Safewords - These are words that are used by either Dom or sub to slow down, or stop a scene. Having negotiated a safeword is very important. It means that if something is happening that makes either per uncomfortable, they can either back off a little or stop.

A Few Myths

Let's look at what a D/s relationship isn't.

D/s Isn't about Abuse
Though the point has already been made it's important to emphasize that this article is about a consensual power exchange. Whatever happens to the sub, whatever demands are made of them, they have agreed to this. If they haven't, if they never asked for this, or they don't want this, then it's an abusive relationship and is not the kind of relationship covered by this entry.

submissives Aren't always Women
If your image of a submissive is a woman, no matter how she's dressed, think again. There are a great number of male submissives out there.

submissives Aren't Weak
If someone has to have someone else run their lives for them they must be weak, right? Wrong. Many submissives are quite powerful people outside their D/s relationship: lawyers, managers, business people, police, soldiers and so on. For some, being submissive in the home, or merely in the bedroom, is a way of escaping from the normal pressures of being in charge.

D/s Isn't about Kinky Sex
Sure, D/s couples often have kinky sex. Then again, vanilla couples often do too. What defines a D/s relationship has very little to do with the methods used, so much as the power exchange. A simple 'no' when a sub asks if they can have a drink can have as much 'power' as getting them to kneel.

Entering a D/s Relationship
When two people are about to enter a D/s relationship, the first step is a negotiation. This is a period where no power exchange occurs but is a discussion where the parameters of the relationship are discussed. How much power will the Dominant have over the submissive? What hard limits do both have; that is, to what activities are one or both opposed? What will be the safewords? What will be the period of the relationship?
Often after negotiation, a contract is drawn up, setting out all of the parameters discussed. In this way, there can be no misunderstandings.

In most Western marriages, the symbols of the marriage are the wedding rings worn by the happy couple. You can probably think of a collar meaning a similar thing to a wedding ring, although in a D/s relationship it's more common for only the sub to wear a collar to show that they are owned by or bound to a Dom.
Collars come in all shapes and sizes, from a leather collar that is remarkably similar to that worn by pets, to elegant necklaces that could be worn at the classiest society ball. A collar is a symbol and is therefore as individual as the Dominant and submissive within the D/s relationship.

Why on Earth Would you Go through all This?
It seems a D/s relationship is an awful lot of work, doesn't it? Negotiation, contracts, safewords before you even get to the relationship itself. Yes, it is a lot of work, but the rewards can be worth it.

At this point, it should be noted that a D/s relationship is not for everyone. Most relationships, even vanilla ones, contain power exchanges. In some relationships, one partner is always Dominant, in other relationships whoever is Dominant changes almost constantly. That, however, doesn't mean that the whole relationship should become a D/s one. Some couples only practice D/s in the bedroom, others in the home, others all the time and some never.

Like all relationships, good communication is needed to keep a D/s relationship on track. The difference here is that it is essential to the success of a D/s relationship. The basis of a D/s relationship is trust. This is not just the trust that neither partner will cheat, but the sort of deep trust where the partners will trust each other with their lives. For the submissive, they need to trust the Dominant with their physical and mental health; to trust that the Dominant will guide and protect them. For the Dominant this means trusting that the submissive is totally truthful with them, giving them all the information they need to make good decisions.

As the communication flows more freely and the trust grows, the entire relationship becomes deeper and more fulfilling. This also applies to a vanilla relationship, but there isn't necessarily the same impetus to keep communication flowing.

Traps and Pitfalls
The submissive gives power to the Dominant. This means the submissive can open themselves to abuse. This risk can be lessened by keeping the following in mind. They're not bad guidelines for vanilla relationships either:

• Don't trust too easily. Trust is earned. Before giving someone power over you, make sure they can be trusted. Take time to learn about the per.
• Go slowly. Don't be impatient for it all to happen at once. Take it in small steps.
• Be honest. Don't say things just to please your partner. If you don't like something or are unsure, say so. By the same token, if you like it a lot, say so.
• If there is the smallest hint of abuse, back off. No matter how good your partner is in other areas, if they are abusive, leave. Sometimes we do hurt others by mistake, but if there is obvious abusive behavior, either mental or physical, then leave.
• Remember that everyone is human, and thus can make mistakes. Don't let a mistake ruin the relationship. Instead, talk about it openly, and try to learn something from it to help the relationship grow.

- Author unknown
The Hazards Of Ignoring In A D/s Relationship
Posted:Jun 18, 2019 4:57 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2019 7:02 pm
I wanted to write about some of the health hazards that ignoring can cause.

Ignoring your sub is NOT, I repeat NOT a form of punishment. It is a form of mental abuse. Submissives are needy by nature and if a Dom is not ready to accept that responsibility, then D/s is not for them. BDSM relationships are built on trust and communication. Doms need to keep that window open for their submissives to talk to them about anything they are worried about, and ignoring closes that. Ignoring does not discipline a submissive - it teaches them how to live without said, Dom.

Some submissives will feel rejected, angry, and can have anxiety and panic attacks. I perally know if I were ever ignored, I’d be sitting in a corner trying to calm myself down while crying my eyes out, and I know I’m not the only one. My Dom and I have a rule in our relationship - the punishment should match the transgression within the rules of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Ignoring does not do this. It is not consensual, and it does not match the transgression. A Dom who ignores shows they are not creative or caring enough to give their sub a punishment that instructs them how to learn and move on from their mistake.

"Oh, but ignoring is the only thing that works." No, no it isn’t. Stop. You’re uncreative and lazy. It doesn’t WORK, it’s just a way for you to avoid the situation. There are ways to discipline for EVERY transgression or broken rule that are NOT abusive and do NOT include ignoring. If you honestly think ignoring is the only way, then you need to sit down with some other Doms and see what they do.

That being said, I titled this the hazards of ignoring within a D/s relationship because ignoring can go both ways. Submissives, ignoring your Dom when you’re angry or upset is destructive. Doms need submissives just as much as you need them, and a D/s relationship is a relationship, and relationships require communication or they will fail.

Ignoring problems does not answer them. If you and your Dom are in a rough spot, then you must talk it over. Doms are not telepathic. They do not know every thought or doubt, and just a little insight might help them calm your fears.

However, if you are in a relationship with a Dom and he is mistreating you, as in non-consensual manipulation and abuse, then talking it over isn’t always best. Abusive relationships are toxic and unhealthy and ignoring the per and running away, possibly getting help if you’re comfortable, is a viable option. If you honestly feel like that’s the best choice and the only choice, then you should get yourself out of that situation.

Just to recap, ignoring should not be used as a punishment. Ever. A Dom should not ever ignore a sub and a sub should be just as considerate unless they are in a toxic relationship and need a means of escape. Ignoring will lead to the destruction of a relationship.

Before I end this post, I want to cover one more topic. If you just forget to talk to your submissive for a long period of time, it doesn’t matter if you weren’t ‘ignoring’ them, it still has the SAME effects of being ignored, the EXACT SAME. Make time for your submissive and ensure that they are not being ignored and forgotten. If you are going out to do something for a long period of time, give them objectives to do and set alarms if you have to so you remember to check up on them. It’s a simple thing that can easily go unnoticed. Even a submissive can do this, such as if they went out shopping with friends with minimum contact with their Dom. I myself am guilty of doing that once, and I can tell you that Southern was very emotionally distraught and upset. It was a mistake on my part, and I should have made more time to update and talk to him - but it’s not one I will make again.

It is not too late to learn from mistakes and attempt to restore relationships. If you can, do so - but remember, ignoring is NOT a punishment or a way to make the other per want you more. It doesn’t work. They learn to live and love without you. Forgetting to talk to them can have the same consequences, although less deliberate.

Be considerate of your lover, your Dom, or your sub. Be mindful of your actions and thoughtful of the consequences, and for the love of the Gods, please please please listen to them when they are upset over something. Punishments and discipline, although not necessarily wanted by the sub, are CONSENSUAL. The submissive should trust a Dom enough to consent to be disciplined or punished for their actions so they can learn and grow. It is NOT a right, it is a privilege, and one that should be treasured and held as sacred.

~ kitdreams
Predicaments - A Peral Favorite
Posted:Jun 17, 2019 5:02 am
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2019 4:13 am
Dom’s love to challenge their subs and predicaments are a peral favorite of mine. They can be win/win, lose/lose, or simply a challenge that must be accomplished successfully depending on my emotional state and the mood of the moment. Regardless of the particulars of the predicament, one of my favorites involves manipulation and control of her orgasm.

Using the picture above as an example, the simplest challenge is the timed orgasm, instructing her to make me come within a certain period of time, or conversely to pleasure me without making me cum for a prolonged minimum period. But what really gets me going is simultaneously manipulating her pleasure and orgasm while she pleasures me, not permitting her to cum before she makes me cum, and so forth.

The real dastardly one is when I instruct her to pleasure me with her mouth while I take control of her arousal and consequent orgasm with the following conditions:

1) If she comes first, she will be spanked roundly

2) If I cum first, she doesn’t get to cum at all

3) If we come together, everyone goes home a winner

Oh the fun that I have teasing and pleasing her to the edge of orgasm, increasing the intensity of my efforts, threatening to push her over the edge as she moans and audibly pleads while sucking me hungrily, desperately trying to match my pace of orgasm to her needs for immediate release. Anything to avoid the threatened spanking. Or conversely, I love to watch her grind desperately against my hand while I moan and writhe indicating the nearness of my own release as she tries to achieve her orgasm and not be left out in the cold. Naturally, of course, I am relentless in manipulating this to my advantage. She would expect nothing less. Sometimes I want her to win, sometimes I want her to lose, and at others, I simply want the joy of coming together in a mind-shattering mutual orgasm.

Oh, the games we play and the fun we have. Predicaments are intended to have desired outcomes and yet often yield interesting and enjoyable surprises. The times when she comes first resulting in the dreaded spanking only to find that the spanking itself yields still more intense and repeated orgasms in her intensely aroused state. This may seem counter to my desires to punish as a Dom but rest assured that I still get mine, taking her from behind and spanking her ass as she simultaneously pleads for mercy and more.

Ah, the games, the rules, the predicaments, the punishments, the rewards. Such a confusing game where winners can lose and the loser can end up the ultimate victor. So difficult to tell one from the other at times. Ultimately though everyone wins in a game where we play our assigned and desired roles of Dom and sub to the hilt.

Predicaments; the challenged and the challenger. You may think you are destined to lose in a game that is clearly rigged, but I promise you, the spoils of victory are shared equally and with enthusiasm. No one goes home disappointed.

Let the games begin!

Caption © For The Love of a Sub, 2019
Beach Day
Posted:Jun 16, 2019 7:31 am
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2019 10:17 am
~ Spending some time at the shore, for my birthday. Hoping everyone is having a wonderful weekend and a Happy Fathers Day to All as well.

Take Care,
Friday Vinyl
Posted:Jun 14, 2019 5:47 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2019 4:20 am
Dave Matthews Band ~ Crash

* So Much To Say
* Two Step
* Crash Into Me
* # 41
* Say Goodbye
* Drive In Drive Out
* Let You Down
* Lie In Our Graves
* Cry Freedom
* Tripping Billies
* Proudest Monkey

~Crash Into Me

You've got your ball
You've got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again

Who's got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart, I'll beat again

Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you

You come crash into me
And I come into you,
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare-boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you

In a boys dream
In a boys dream

If I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
To forgive me
In my haste
When I'm holding you so girl
Close to me

Oh and you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you

Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boy's dream, in a boy's dream

Oh I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well

Tied up and twisted,
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me
Baby oh Crash into me
Crash into me
Crash into me
Crash into me

I'm the king of the castle
Your a dirty rascal, crash into me!

gwriters: David John Matthews
The 14th June Friday Blog Challenge
Posted:Jun 13, 2019 9:17 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2019 10:56 pm
"What's the most interesting place you've had a sexual encounter and what makes it special?

I've had sex in almost every place that I've ever wanted to have sex. I am and have always been an exhibitionist. Once I was dating this guy and we were waiting for a table at a restaurant (In NYC) and decided to go to his car for a quickie and thought we were being discrete. I'm not sure how much time passed, but we were totally into the moment and distracted. We hadn't noticed the crowd that had gathered around his '67 Mustang. (that was definitely rocking). Once we finished and gathered our senses(and our clothes), we realized what was happening. We got out of the car and everyone started cheering and clapping. it was a little embarrassing, but, I got over it quickly and laughed it off. I'm not sure if it was the most interesting place I've ever had sex, but it was definitely one of the most memorable.

Posted:Jun 13, 2019 5:59 am
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2019 10:33 pm
Power exchange is magical. It allows a per to be in two places at once. Because of this, I am never alone, even when I am the only per in the room. A reminder of his presence hangs from my neck, and my hand grasps it instinctively when I make a decision.

Rules and affection are my constant companions. His voice whispers in my ear even when we are apart. In an empty room, he is there, lips pressed to my ear, his words guiding my hand.

It’s his voice telling me I’m beautiful when I don’t like the woman in the mirror. His words of encouragement are the ones that make me pack my gym bag when I want to crawl into bed instead. When I feel worthless his voice calls me ‘’ mine’’ and reminds me that Master does not collect garbage.

He is always present, even when he can’t be there. It’s a touch of magic just for me.

Something so simple
Posted:Jun 11, 2019 9:50 pm
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2019 6:01 am
Can be so intimate When I was dating my ex we had rituals. We would have sex for what seemed like days, we literally lost time while making love. Then, we would take these showers that lasted hours and we would start up all over again until the hot water ran out. Anyway, after all of that, He would insist that I shave him. It was such an intimate ritual to me, being so close (in proximity) to Him and being so careful as not to nick his skin. After I was done I would use a hot washcloth to steam his face. Then sprinkle his face with kisses because it was so smooth and soft. I do believe those were some of my fondest memories of our time together.

And, this is how you keep her....
Posted:Jun 11, 2019 12:46 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2019 10:45 am

The perfect sub
Posted:Jun 10, 2019 9:20 am
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2019 4:17 am
My early beliefs about D/s were shaped by a series of pretty emotionally abusive relationships. And by shit, I read in the weird crevices of the internet. For a long time, I didn’t know any better.

Pair that with the fact that I’m a perfectionist and you got some pretty dicey situations. And I’m not talking oh, I like to do well - I’m talking a nearly pathological need to be perfect.

I used to think the perfect sub would take whatever they were given and beg for more. I used to think the perfect sub would never have to use their safeword. I used to think the perfect sub was always willing, ready, and available.

I used to think the perfect sub didn’t have limits. Or that if they did then they’d happily push and test and abandon those limits to please their Dom(me).

I used to think the perfect sub didn’t make waves, didn’t ask for too much and didn’t need more than what they were given.

I used to think the perfect sub was focused entirely on the relationship and on pleasing their Dom(me) and that nothing was ever - EVER - more important than that.

I used to think the perfect sub was pleasing, quiet, agreeable, soft, and pliant. Always. Without exception.

But now I know better.

The perfect sub has limits and safewords when it gets to be too much. The perfect sub is not afraid to safeword whenever and whoever they need to.

The perfect sub has needs and speaks up about those needs because they know that their Dom(me) is not a mind reader.

The perfect sub has expectations and requirements and beliefs that they bring to the relationship. The perfect sub has deal breakers and things that will not be negotiated.

The perfect sub is not always ready, not always willing, and not always available - and that’s okay.

The perfect sub has a life and focuses outside of the relationship. The perfect sub has interests and hobbies and friends and a life. And sometimes that life requires attention.

The perfect sub doesn’t necessarily like everything that’s depicted in porn. The perfect sub can’t necessarily deepthroat or take a spanking or be tied up in elaborate positions.

The perfect sub knows that communication is key. And knows that it’s okay to stand up for themselves. And knows that their Dom(me) is not a god but a human.

And the perfect sub is human too. Which means that they’re not really perfect at all.

And that’s okay.

I’m learning.


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