My Ideal Person:
... ok, for the first time I'm going to try to put on here something about myself.. and something about whatever it is I'm looking for. also... I know we're all on here for fun, and playing and maybe some figuring-out(or i guess at least i am), but besides that.. I may put something down about what I'm Actually looking for.. for real. ..I don't know for everyone else but I'm finding this kind of... difficult, silly, embarrassing... everything I think of to put sounds so silly, or so only half explained, or not even understood by me, so therefore could be wrong! ah... anyway... heres some of the few thoughts I could form and then bear to write.

I was in a relationship for 10 years that broke up over 2 years ago.. I have been away from dating at all, from meeting new people even, for a long time. I mean I like to go out with my friends and 'wile out' ,if you will, but I don't talk to men at the bar or wherever we go... i don't like them. I'm bored of them, ...for whatever reason. I am looking for something more. what more? how much more? hard to say. ... which brings me to being on this site. I ..um... I am a Very assertive person. I was raised to 'handle' things. To take care of things, to be loud and boisterous in my way of caring for people. To bust chops, joke around, wrestle even... (this crap is so hard to put into words) to be strong.
But there is another side of me, a hidden secret heart that doesn't want to have to be that all the time.
that wants to be very much so dominated, out of control... punished when offenses are made, spanked, forced, controlled,... much much more that I can't put into words yet because i don't know enough to know what they are yet...
and wants to trust you enough, wants you to know me enough (all of me), respect YOU enough to be ABLE to be this, to give this to you...
then there's the fact that I haven't dated or been around many new people in a long long time still. Makes me quite shy, and bumbling like, and nervous...
so on one hand I feel so very innocent, and on the other somehow - dark and needy. (and in a way I am quite unfamiliar with, and not sure what to do with really.)

ok, what I am Really looking for in general (which of course you may or may not be, and I may not find) while trying to figure out more about myself in this unfamiliar territory, is yes a love relationship. 24/7. in love, crazy crazy in love with each other, fun fun fun, laughing, reading, discussing, whatever! love. ..eventually.
I don't know what else to say...
to explain more seems like me trying to put words to something that is still forming.
everything more I put to write seems silly, i erase.